Thinking Out Loud: When Life is Against You...

July 20, 2017

No intention of writing a post today but very much warranted. And hey, isn't that what this is for, an outlet for my frustrations and reflections, planned or not? So I thought this would actually be the perfect (no such thing as perfect) occasion to write my feelings out, and hey look it just happened to be Thinking-Out-Loud day.

Said simply: Yesterday was an awful day. It felt like life itself was against me. It started off terribly and got worse. Having space now, after resting and taking a step back from my emotions (How very DBT of me), and after letting basically all my tears out, I can see how wallowing in the circumstances did not benefit me. I can see that yesterday was not all bad. In fact, at the end of the day I was feeling sorta...good?

Hmm, so the 2 major things that got to me on this fun Hump Day:

  1. My toilet clogged up. I went to pick out clothes for the day and next thing I know my bathroom floor was flooded. I tried calling maintenance and but both brought me to voicemail. After leaving a message for the on-call maintenance, I did what I could to clean it up and mentally took note that it was yet another thing to take care of later in my already long day. Simultaneously as I was trying to solve all of this, breakfast was heating up in the oven. And I had to leave for treatment in an hour. And I had planned to squeeze some homework in. I was getting all in my head and I knew it. I was future tripping.

    **As a side comment, on top of this, I was going to take the trash out and left it in the hall for a few minutes. I come out and find that my roommate's dog got into it. I swear I had a mini freakout that the dog ate something that would kill her.
  2. I went to IOP and let out a lot of said frustrations with the group, and was feeling better. Then to exacerbate the situation I learned that the number of insurance-covered sessions at IOP was up because of my lack of physical progress (aka weight restoration). Though I feel as does my therapist there that I've made leaps and bounds in terms of emotional/social/mental progress in the past 2ish months, those aren't things insurance companies care about. They want the hard tangible measures. (Insurance is a messed up system but that's a whole different rant.) Because I had already planned to leave IOP in a couple of weeks as school will be starting up soon, I wasn't unnecessarily upset that I would be leaving. I guess it was more that I wasn't leaving on my own terms. It was out of my control and I did not like it. Also, it was hard not to be hard on myself for the whole no weight restoration thing. Cue further frustration. 

In these most aggravating moments of life, when I am feeling oh so overwhelmed, I have learned to try to cheer myself up in the simplest of ways. For example, dressing up in a colorful dress and swiping on a bright lipstick

Post tear-filled therapy session. Look closely and you can even see remnants of tissue on my eyes. How flattering. 

OR semi-spontaneously (aka as spontaneous as I can get) going to Trader Joe's and buying random groceries. Strangely did not even feel guilty afterwards for spending on things I didn't necessarily need.

Satisfying snack + paired w/ roasted zaatar walnuts

Having said all this nonsense, I am feeling better today. Trying to focus on what I can do now rather than worry about those things that are in the hands of a higher power. 

Thank you for letting me vent for a bit. 💕  Hope I didn't sound too whiny. 

What are your current frustrations? 
How do you soothe yourself and give yourself space? 
One thing you did yesterday for YOU! 

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  1. Wow that was a r o u g h day. Things like plumbing and insurance are even worse than the usual bad day culprits because they're out of our control, and insurance companies especially, arrgh they drive me up a wall. I know they're necessary, but it's all about money. It feels so dehumanizing. A major woohoo (!!) for semi-unplanned purchases that you didn't feel guilty about. That's superb. And it is a comfort to know it's all in His hands, but bad days are still bad days. No shame in a little venting.

    1. Trying to remember that everything happens for a reason. This will only make me stronger.
      Thanks for empathizing with me. I really appreciate it.

  2. Thanks for the reminder to focus on what we can do in the moment and that God is in control--I need that reminder often! I love that you do little things to cheer yourself up, like the dress and lipstick (which are adorable, by the way!). I go through phases, but right now I'm really loving journaling. It helps me process things and is the perfect place to just get everything out there. P.S. I think the name of your blog is the cutest!

    1. Thanks Naomi--for reading & for the much needed compliments. I definitely want to be more consistent with journalling.