It's been at least a solid ten days have passed since I last posted. If you ask me how I've been, I will say "contemplative." That's the best way to describe this ever-thinking state of mind, whatever the hell the world actually means. Quite truthfully, this is both a good and bad thing. One the one hand, I'm really starting to explore the emotional side of recovery more. What are my food thoughts actually trying to cover up? What am I afraid of? What is holding me back from taking the next step in recovery? But alongside this, I really have to sit with my thoughts, causing my moods to go out of whack (shout out to those who put up with my mood swings this week srsly #muchlove).

1. Another Buzzfeed Throwback for all you 00s kids like me out there! There's no better way to start the day than with some tunes from That's so Raven, Hannah Montana, Suite Life, etc. Don't deny that you don't know all the words to the Funky Hat song too!

2. Max Ehrman's poem, Desiderata = my new guide to life and favorite poem

You are a child of the universe,

no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.

3. A little weekly dose of mindfulness for y'all. I am a victim of this busyness mentality. I have to constantly remind myself that busyness is a choice. I have the power to slow things down. Time is not as limited as it seems, or rather the things I view as urgent are not as significant in the grand scheme of life. Catch yourself when you are speeding up and fill your plate with more fulfilling things that you don't feel like you have to speed through.

4. This describes me all too well. The NYT article explains the extreme opposite of procrastination is pre-crastination, this crazy need to get things done right away, to check a box of a never-ending to-do list. Why has procrastination taken on such a bad reputation in today's society when in reality, a little procrastinating can actually spur creativity? Time for some self-discipline in the other direction...

5. Recovery Warriors' Podcasts have been the soundtrack to my lunch breaks on campus. Especially loved the one with Birdie McNeil where she talked about her take on wellness and health. Note to self: Don't strive for health at the cost of your wellness.

P.S. I'm really starting to dig whole this podcast thing. Please let me know below if you've got any good ones to share!!

Questions:
What songs do you remember from your childhood TV shows?
What's your favorite poem? 
Anyone else a pre-crastinator like I am?

I know, I know... another pancake recipe. But you can't deny that carbsliciousness. Yup, I've decided that that should definitely be a word. Oh, ricotta--my love, my life, my everything. Seriously though, ricotta, much like it's cottage relative, is an underrated cheese. My cousin gifted me with a cheese (ricotta/paneer) making kit for Christmas (s/o to him here!!!). It's a relatively simple process honestly. Add, mix & boil all the ingredients, let sit, drain and ta-da! I let it drain for quite some time so it came out less watery than the store-bought kind, which I didn't mind a single bit!

My family made cannellonis one night with most of this batch so I used the leftover cheese to make The Vintage Mixer's recipe sans the lemon curd. Ate them with scoops of blueberries & pomegranate seeds. The only thing these babies needed were poppy seeds for the classic pair! Look at my artsy fartsy presentation skills!!! The result of watching too many Food Network shows in general & binge-watching Season 1 of The Mind of a Chef over break.



I have my weekly dietician + counseling appointments tomorrow morning. After back-to-back sessions last week, I felt emotionally drained. Morning tears just haunt you the entire day. Luckily, I can blame my puffy eyes and red cheeks on allergies. Hehe. I'm feeling more anxious than I normally do; I am already dreading those feelings of exhaustion again. Guh. Don't know what to expect anymore. Where am I supposed to go now? I am failing in recovery and it's consuming me. Think of happy thoughts, Kaylee, happy thoughts--blue skies & sunshine-y lemons. 

1. Life is short and you are old
2. So live it and treat yourself well

Only the first days back and I'm already exhausted. I'm on autopilot again and it sucks. Thank god for long weekends though. I finally (after 5 semesters of college) have no Friday classes so I'm in Austin already after taking the bus yesterday afternoon. Nothing too exciting going on this weekend aside my cousin's house-hunting. Ack, you know you're an adult when your conversations are about jobs, houses and marriages. At least I can break out my inner HGTV-nerd!



1. Nobody wants to say they're a quitter but there are just some things you have to quit. Personally, the biggest point I have to work on from this list was comparison. It's hard for me to remember that people are different! Bodies are different! Minds are different! Souls are different! We each have our own struggles; no one person follows the same path. It's like comparing apples to cheese--both completely different, yet equally wonderful. I am only losing in life if I think it's a competition. Instead, I need to look at people with an open heart. Relish in the fact that only I am seeing through my eyes. It's a humbling to know that you are 1 of over 7 billion fleeting human beings.
2. I consider myself a well-seasoned traveler. As a Filipino, however, I'm a terrible packer. My mom can work magic and fit a gajillion things into one box. It's craaazy. Typically, I use a strange combination of folding + rolling + stuffing but even that fails. I saw this cute, quick video on the timeless rolling vs folding  debate that hopefully helps me in the future. The more you know...

3. If you've been too down on yourself this past week, take a look at this list to fight those nagging self-hate thoughts. Don't forget to treat yourself with compassion too, okay?

4. As much as we can blame society for our social media addictions, we are at fault too. We've abused the Internet to the point of anxiety. If I'm not wasting time on my computer, I'm wasting time on my phone. Mindless scrolling and skimming, comparing myself to the "better" lives of others... Seriously, why do we do this to ourselves? I've contemplated deleting my Facebook and Twitter accounts but always come up with a good excuse to avoid it. Maybe 2016 will finally be the year I take charge of my life and do so.

5. In Memory of Alan Rickman - Every Snape Scene from the HP Movies -- I woke up on Thursday morning crushed to hear the news of Alan Rickman's death. I knew him as Professor Severus Snape on Harry Potter. Though this was just one of many characters he played, Alan Rickman embodied Snape for me. He helped make the movies worthy of the books. Honestly, it frightening when celebrities you grew up with start passing away. This just serves as another reminder as to how fast life is. Chills, always. 

Questions:
Where do you stand on the packing debate?
Are there any habits your want to quit?
What makes you feel old or like life if flying by?

I'm soaking up the last few days of Winter Break before it's time for the "real-world" to kick in again. *Insert heavy sigh here* I am still attempting to tackle the looming list of things I said I would do over the break. Get a headstart on my senior project, reply to emails, decorate my new room, clean up my laptop... You get the picture: No. Work. Was. Done.

Luckily, I am visiting my cousins in Austin this weekend! Or maybe not so luckily as it'll just put me back into vacation mode all over again. But in all honesty, I'm excited for this semester! A lot of busying things are coming up already in January alone. My Google calendar and new planner (aka my BFFs) are filling up!

On a completely different note, I have a very serious question to ask: Am I the only one who doesn't eat cottage cheese with fruit?! Even the thought of having with syrupy peaches gives me the hibbie jibbies! Growing up, my dad would have a glob with barbeque and I have followed suit. Basically, for me, cottage cheese is very much a savory ingredient. It makes a delicious snack when topped with spices (my favorite is z'atar) served alongside bread.

Given the tub of cottage cheese sitting in our refrigerator, I knew I had to try these Polish lidnivikis, another not-sweet take. Though the tag-line advertises them as "lighter, fluffier" versions of regular pancakes, mine came out hearty, dense & a tad messy. But delicious nonetheless! If this isn't enough to make you jump on the cottage cheese bandwagon, I don't know what is.


Questions:
- What method do you use to organize your life? 
- Do you like your cottage cheese savory or sweet?
- How is Month 1 of 2016 treating you?

And just like that we're a week into 2016. As with most new years, I can't help but take a look back. Though I say this every year, this past year was a game-changer. It was the year I accepted myself (including my ED) and learned to love myself. It was the year I explored 5 other states. It was the first year I spent the holidays in the US. It was a year of honestly and it was a year of growth to say the least. So, here's a glimpse into my past self, the squirmy baby to the awkward brace face and finally the most recent picture of me at Christmas.




Though I don't really make strict clear-cut New Year Resolutions as it has often led to feelings of disappointment in the past, I thought it would be a neat idea to outline where I want my ED recovery to go in this year. In no particular order, here are the things I want to work on in the upcoming months:

• Weight Restoration! Hopefully alongside this comes getting my period again (sorry for the TMI) after almost a year & a half
• Intuitive/Mindful Eating -- rebuilding the trust with my body, being able to listen to what I want to eat & when I want to eat it
• Be able to exercise again without going overboard: running with the sun in my face, getting in a relaxing stretch at yoga, attending Zumba classes, going stand-up paddle-boarding, running the Turkey Trot with my cousins, etc etc. 
• Eating at a "normal" pace as to not make others feel awkward eating around me. Not feeling rushed or pressured when time is limited
• Become strong enough in my recovery to share my personal journey and inspire others!