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    Something that has been racking my brain recently is the blurry spectrum of self-care and how it relates to discipline. I have been planning this post for weeks now to join in thinking aloud. Problem is the intense struggle of actually getting my thoughts into words. Writer's block indeed. Rather than procrastinate for yet another week, I decided to let those thoughts and feelings flow, hopefully not too incoherently, and just write that SFD.


    The world of self-care is very confusing. The real question that has been nagging at me that started this whole thing was: Is there such a thing as too much self-care? I feel I use self-care as a way to excuse myself from doing the "hard things," from doing things I don't necessarily want to do (homework, clean my room), and sometimes even things I do truly want to do (take more pictures, play the piano), the latter are things that could be considered self-care too.

    With my busy schedule this summer, I find myself getting home at the end of the day exhausted in all aspects. I just want to curl in bed and watch mindless TV. Not that TV as self-care is a bad thing; it might be exactly what I need in that moment but not the self-care that I know I ultimately need or want to partake in. And maybe it's the "should" monster in me speaking but there has to be truth in this compulsion.

    Also slightly on that note, since recovery, I feel my discipline declining. In the peak of my eating disorder, I was exercising 5-6 times a week. I would get up for a run or would force myself to go the gym. It was obviously not the healthiest thing (hello ED!) for me at the time nor do I want to go back to that mindset. But when I look back and reflect on that time, my drive was stellar. I amazingly somehow had energy to accomplish that, classes, a part-time job and not feel as drained as I do now. I don't remember finding myself scrolling through my Facebook feed every 10 minutes (seriously the number of times I visited Facebook when writing this most is unreal) or checking how many people viewed my Snaps or refreshing my email, waiting for an update somewhere, anywhere. I don't know what I am waiting for.

    There were times I did not even take my phone with me to the gym. Although the exercise addiction and eating disorder took over my life, I miss the freedom of not being addicted to my phone. This is probably the biggest thing that is getting to me. What's even more frustrating is know that it isn't the healthiest thing for my mental space. It's too easy to get lost in the comparison spiral, the "ideal." Though sadly, I think part my brain wants to let it slide as "self-care," that I should basically allow myself to do it because I need to appease that slight anxiety of not checking it. Rather than have the control to step away from my phone, I give in to the urges and bring it out.

    In the past 2 years, I may not necessarily have gotten lazier but I find I am missing that spark within me. I am missing a sense of motivation. A drive to get myself out of bed and not check Instagram first thing in the morning. A drive to choose to clear the clutter from my desk rather than watch a bajillion movie trailers on YouTube.

    I take more Buzzfeed quizzes on a daily basis that tell me what kind of cake I am or how many kids I'll have than I would like admit. Is is wrong to call that self-care? Am I merely using it as avoidance, distraction, from the self-care that I truly need but can be more taxing? Is self-care something that does not have to be forced? If it's exhausting in the short-term but potentially fulfilling in the long run, is it still self-care? Can self-care make you unhappy, for example when journaling and sitting with uncomfortable feelings? Where is the discipline to stop me from opening Buzzfeed in the first place? Should self-care come with discipline? If yes, how do incorporate it without self-caret becoming a chore that we don't look forward to?

    More than anything, I would love to hear your thoughts around self-care or discipline, particularly when it comes to social media and the internet and being glued to our phones. Thank you for allowing me to rattle on with little sense.

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    I hate wasting time. The go-go-go attitude of mine is actually something I've been addressing in myself. But this semi-skill of always maximizing time, making the most of even the slimmest of gaps, can obviously also work in my favor. With this hectic schedule of work, IOP, classes and attempting to make time for fun, "me" activities, I found this particularly true throughout this past week with awkward breaks in my schedule, not necessarily enough time to go back to my apartment but also too early to go to my next engagement. I used these breaks to fit in random errands. Having said this, I am really hoping to slow down this week. Down time can be productive too.


    Joining the party once again for another week of accomplishments. As Meghan says, let's get listing!

    • Started the week with by celebrating my sister's birthday at her favorite ramen place. 🍜  I got the veggie ramen packed with crispy tofu, corn, spinach, fresh ginger, mushrooms and bamboo shoots. All the goodies in one delicious bowl. Usually I avoid soup in the summer (too hot for me!) but it hit the spot given the atypical gloomy weather. 
    • Tuesday was staff appreciation day at work so instead of working we were all treated to a day at Hawaiian Falls, a local water park. Surprisingly there were basically 0 lines. Conquered this ride (I promise it's more terrifying than the video makes it seem). Also, managed to not get away relatively unscathed from sunburns though I can't say the same for some of my coworkers. 
    • Here's my attempt plus the best Siggi's flavor and fresh figs from my sister's boss' tree. You can't imagine how excited I am for fig season!!!
    • In between work and a book club meeting on Thursday,  I went to pick up cleaning supplies and toiletries from Target and exchanged my sister's gift at a make-up store. Back story for that latter one: me being my beauty product inept self purchased the wrong eyeshadow palette that she had asked for. Whoopsies! 😅
    • Then proceeded to said book club gathering! 
    • Survived an emotionally draining week--several group therapy sessions, two individual therapy sessions and an appointment with a potential dietitian...who also happens to be a therapist. Oh, what fun..
    • On that note, in between IOP and that dietitian meeting, got a quick car wash + vacuum only to have it rain the day after. Story of my life. 
    • Grocery shopped, showered, had lunch, finished up this blog post and washed my linens all in the span of 4 hours 👍
    Freezer soup to the rescue when the weather is chiller than it should be in June

    • Despite getting up at 5:30 for the morning shift at work on Saturday, I did not fall asleep while watching A Little Night Music with my family later that night.
    • Lastly, got back into journalling again. For example, this page, which was inspired by Kylie's recent post. 


    Hope you all fit in some self-care for yourself this Monday ☺️

    Questions:
    Do you find yourself always trying to be "productive" with even the teeniest break in your schedule?
    What's your favorite hot weather food? 
    Are you a fan of water parks?


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    Happy, happy weekend! I've got a bunch of wonderful links to share that have been accumulating in my Drafts for far too long now. Sooo here it goes:

    What Happened When I Quit Exercise. Right before recovery, I was starting to feel stuck in my exercise rut. I didn't enjoy it. I felt compelled to do it because I had been exercising 5-6 x times week for the past year or so. Like the author, it allowed me to avoid my feelings or isolate myself socially. Go watch a movie? Nope, have to go to Zumba class. Late-night snack run? Can't cuz I have to get up in the morning to go for an actual run. Like the author, I'm looking forward to redefining my relationship with working out.

    Buzzfeed speaks to my inner old lady soul with these jokes on being a homebody

    Basically me 

    Overthinking, high standards, lack of self-trust--Can 100% relate to Why Deep Thinkers Have The Hardest Time Falling in Love

    I am really digging Modern Love right now like this essay on finding someone in this dating-app era or this essay on dating pre-Internet. Also check out the podcast where celebrities (mostly actors and actresses) read past articles. In fact, I recently listened to Titus Burgess (from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt). If you want even more, an interview with the editor.

    Another Brianna Wiest bit on constructive wallowing and accepting "negative" emotions.
    “Bad” things are only the things we do not want to happen, or at least, we think we do not want to happen. “Negative” emotions are just the ones we are resistant to feeling. Once we have accepted them, they neutralize.
    Julia does it again with her words by providing a glimpse into what life with an eating disorder is really like. 

    What happens when you intersect two great playwrights? Lin Manuel Miranda (of In The Heights and Hamilton) on the lasting influence of Jonathan Larson (of Rent)

    A chef turned blogger explains his angry at society's fads of "healthy" eating. At the end he gives his thoughts on various diet myths like detoxing and eating paleo.

    Concrete but totally doable tips to live in the present. Especially gonna need to try out that one on being mindful at red lights.

    Questions:
    Anyone else guilty of making excuses to avoid going out?
    What do you think about wallowing as a productive thing?
    Name some of your techniques on being more present.



    Continue Reading


    As of late, I haven't been feeling like "my best self," whoever that really is. Last week was full of mess-ups, tiny mistakes that made me frustrated with myself. For example... 

    Failing at sprouting beans.
    Overcooking my breakfast and having hard eggs instead of runny yolks.
    Forgetting to pick up my prescription at Costco when I purposely went over there for gas + prescription.
    Dropping frozen blueberries at work.
    Learning that my weight restoration isn't where it's supposed to be and that I'll have to expend more time and money for an outpatient dietitian while mine is on maternity leave.


    As usual, my expectations for how I should think and act, how life should unfold, how other people should be feeling and reacting, got the better of me. My mistakes no matter the size do not define me. So here's to trying to maintain perspective in spite of it all, here's to looking at the bright side and noticing the blessings I do have in my life, mistakes included. Consequently, in this Monday's review, I'll be listing my accomplishments in the form of the things I am thankful for:

    Hariy potato cat

    Grateful for my sister who today has officially tolerated my annoying habits for two complete decades. (Happy 20th birthday, sissy!!!! You know I love you oh so very much.) 

    Grateful for family time. For said birthday celebration, my cousins came down from Austin and we spent the weekend enjoying one another's company in our favorite way: playing a bunch of board/card games! The main two were Exploding Kittens (don't worry you're trying to save them not kill 'em) and Machi Koro.

    Grateful for musicals. Watched the next show in our line-up, Something Rotten! Essentially it's a fictional musical about the first musical set in the Shakespeare era. If you are a theater fan, definitely listen to their because they make references to lots of well-known plays. And if you aren't, give ie a listen because it's just too fun. 

    Grateful for my job, school and overall busy schedule right now. Worked another three shifts this week, took my first tests in two different classes, had one dietitian meeting and two therapy sessions and went to IOP treatment for a full week.

    Salmon and polenta yum

    Grateful for the summer sun. More specifically for the fact that the sun stays out until past 9 in the evening, which makes walking back from early releases of my late evening class even lovelier. AND it allows me to take shots of my dinner with the natural light still pouring through the window. 

    Grateful for the ability to drive and my car. It's hard to imagine that I've only had my car for just over a year because I can't imagine how I'd manage without it now especially in this state. Drove all the way and out of my way to downtown Dallas to use up a Groupon I had purchased before it expired on the 17th. The gelato was 100% worth it. Also definitely grateful for Groupons.

    Grateful for my friends who never fail to make me smile. After waking up to a much needed and appreciated email from a long-time family friends who is also one of my best friends, my sister and I then video-called her and her brother. So much love for our little group. 

    Friends using you as a mirror for eyeliner

    Of course grateful for the time, money and space to make delicious food like these carrot cake raw bites.

    Grateful for my body Attended a vinyasa class with my cousin Friday night. More intense and sweat-inducing than we both anticipated but glad we were able to do it together. 

    Grateful for my body part 2. "Hiked," or as close to hiking one can get within the outer suburbia of Dallas AKA walking along a trail, yesterday morning with the family. Really, really loving getting outdoors this way even with the terror of wasps, poison ivy, snakes and very large spiders. Semi-but-not-really related, also feeling thankful for large, fairly clean porta potties. 

    Last but definitely not the least: Grateful for being grateful. 

    Questions:
    Three things you are thankful for! 
    Do you have a favorite musical? 
    What ways are you enjoying moving your body?







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    Hihi! I decided to take last week off from WIR. Honestly, with its ritualistic, habitual nature, it started to feel like a chore--another thing on to check off the to-do list--at no fault of Meghan's whatsoever! I was compelled to write something for the sake of "linking up." I was trying to plan my weeks around my accomplishments, doing things because I could list them as accomplishments on here rather than doing these things for my own mental health. And isn't the point of this to be a review, a look back, and not another item to worry about for the future? So, there.


    In any case, while on my mini-break, classes resumed for the summer session. With classes only twice a week (+ one online), it isn't as bad as I was expecting. But for some reason, I have been physically and mentally and socially and emotionally and spiritually spent. I remembered this quote that perfectly describes my feelings at the moment because I met an incoming HS senior born in 2000, which makes me feel incredibly old, and because it's already June, meaning we're halfway through the year, and because my graduation from college was exactly one month ago:
    The days are long but the years are short. 

    Also, going to mix things up a lil' bit and only review M-F, one by one, since just in those 5 days alone a lot of stuff did go down: 

    Breakfast toped with a pitaya macaroom, granola, 


    Monday
    • Started my day how all weeks should begin: Daily crossword puzzling and noshing on Siggi's yogurt. 
    • Survived the sudden downpouring of rain on the way to my first and only class of the day. I brought an umbrella thinking it would scare off the rain as with my luck that's what usual occurs but nooo. 
    • Bought my plane ticket for Las Vegas!! I'll be going there in the end of July for an honor society conference. #lit Not sure how much free time I'll have but please send me suggestions on what to do/eat/see! 
    Tuesday
    • Worked the afternoon shift (noon-close) at the bakery
    • Made my version of these carrot-y sauce noodles for dinner 
    • Watched Wonder Woman with coworkers. Hmm, like with any superhero film, there were cheesy parts. But all in all it was a good film, nothing crazy spectacular in my opinion other than the fact it's the first major superhero movie both with a female lead and female directress. 
    • At said movie ordered a HUGE strawberry balsamic milkshake, something I don't (or at least haven't in some time) normally order. 
    Wednesday
    • This extra long Hump Day started with an check-up with the endocrinologist. Was there longer than expected because they wanted to do a few more tests since my blood pressure was super low...though I felt completely fine... 
    • Had another surprise blood test. I swear, I've had more of these in the past year than I have had in the 10 years before that. On the bright side, getting better at dealing with needles! 
    • Started back up at an outpatient treatment center for recovery much to my dismay but that's another story for future Kaylee to rant about...
    • These are my long days school-wise. I had class from 3:00-5:15 then again from 6:00-10:00. How does a grandma like me stay awake in a night class you ask? Hmmm, I have no clue but I did! 

    Thursday
    • Went out to brunch and enjoyed lovely conversation with a friend. I got the chicken pesto power bowl. Kale (Kayl? 😁) Yeah!! 
    • Worked again but this time was my first shift closing by myself, the only cashier. 

    Colorful meal of Singaporean curry noodles w/ shrimp + added some basil & red cabbage

    Friday
    • Aaaaaand IOP once more. I feel this time around I am struggling a lot more with being vulnerable and opening up to people. Every time I'm there I am on the verge of tears. I am going to burst if I say just one word. 
    • The beautiful weather called for an early evening bike ride with my aunt. I am still off of exercise but allowed myself to be more mindful with my movement, noticing times when I could have pushed myself but didn't. 
    • Afterwards, we grabbed Asian food for dinner. On the way back from there, a popsicle place I had been to was having its soft opening for a new location right by my university, which meant popsicles for dessert! I chose the fruity prickly pear lemonade while my aunt got avocado & coconut. Usually I wait a few hours before having dessert and this was totally not what I had planned to eat so yay for flexibility! 


    Questions:
    One accomplishment from your week!!
    Have you seen Wonder Woman yet? What did you think?
    Do you prefer morning, evening or midday classes? 




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    Happy Sunday friends! Dropping in to share some of my recently discovered posts from around the interweb though a couple of days after I had intended to. Oops!! Better late than never, yeah? I've either a) come home too tired to think about writing and resort to watching Great British Bake-Off instead or b) completely forgot about the post. Please also feel free to send links my way of what you've enjoyed reading! I'm always up for a good article. Without further ado...

    Source

    Do you ever procrastinate a task because you think it will take forever to do then when you do it and it takes all of a few minutes, less time than your brain convinced you it would? If so, read this. For me it's putting my shoes away right after I wear them rather than , merely responding to a simple text, cleaning my toilet...the list goes on. Strangely, I feel the more I take my time to do these things--and stop rushing--the less time it actually takes.

    Apparently, I am a pissed-off introvert.

    A Medium article on the importance of cultivating detachment. Detachment from material possessions, relationships, experiences, work, thoughts, time. We often are led to believe that going all-in is what's right but taking a step back, taking yourself out of the equation can provide clarity to the situation.

    Alexis' post on embracing your life, learning to live intuitively and flexibly. Seriously, this = goals. 🙌
    Don't over-work and under-live

    The distinction between satisfaction and fullness. Rachael beautifully presents how although certain foods can provide a physically sensation of fullness they may not fill us mentally/emotionally/spiritually.

    BONUS VIDEO that teaches how to be miserable. (Yes, you read that correctly)

    Questions:
    Do you/have you tracked your time spent online? Did it help in cutting back? 
    Could you relate to being a pissed-off introvert too? 
    What satisfying foods have you had this weekend? 


    Continue Reading
    First off and perhaps most importantly, 
    HAPPY NATIONAL DOUGHNUT DAY!!! 
    Many places are giving away free doughnuts or have some neat offerings on this special Friday so go, go, go and get your donut (doughnut?) on! 

    As you may know, I am quite indecisive. So please forgive me in advance for all the pictures in this post. I just couldn't choose what to share with y'all for this recap of my meals in May. I decided to break it down to 3 categories. Although these groupings are apparent basically all the time for me, it was especially so this past month. 

    Also need to note that these posts are meant to inspire and not for you to compare what my meals look like against yours. I don't want to make someone feel better or worse about themselves for looking at what I do or do not eat. You are you and I am I. We don't like the same things nor will what we eat ever look the same. Please keep that in mind! 



    1. Repurposing Leftovers 

    Best thing to do with leftover biscuits?? BISCUIT BREAKFAST SANDWICHES! 
    • The first was a BLT - the L + the A (for avocado of course!). 
    • The other was a cheesy eggs sandwich with roasted garlic and a onion jam.
    I took home a HUGE leftover Mediterranean mezze type platter with hummus, olives, feta cheese, marinated beets, sun-dried tomatoes and roasted red peppers. It's been several weeks and I still have the olives and hummus.
    • Hummus pasta with sun dried tomatoes, brussels, and feta cheese
    • Toast two ways: avocado + hummus and beet + feta
    • Roasted sweet potato topped with pickled cucumbers, feta, sun dried tomatoes, spiced turkey and olive tapanade (made with said ^^^ olives!) 
    • Snack-y meal consisting of naan, carrot sticks, olives, hummus and yogurt w/ za'atar 
    • Roasted eggplant sandwich with more of that tapanade, romaine and hummus 




    2. Eating Out

    With a lot of celebrating in May came a lot of eating out. A lot more than my eating disorder wanted--definitely anxiety-inducing. But that is okay. 

    • My sister treated me to a Vietnamese meal after I helped her move into her apartment for the summer. I got this tofu vermacelli bun (pronounced more like boon rather than cinnamon bun). Thanks again sissy!! 
    • Split a caprese turkey burger with my aunt. It was topped with fresh mozzarella, fresh tomatoes and a kale pesto. Fried green bean and carrots on the side! 
    • Met up with a friend for lunch at a new-ish resto called Sumo Shack towards the end of the month. They specialize in fusion baos. I got two: their fried tofu with picked veg and the crispy fish one. 
    • At my graduation dinner at Bolsa, we had several appetizers for the table. One of them was a burrata salad. Per the menu, aside from the cheese there was apple butter, prosciutto, pickled beets and endive. 



     3. Trying New Recipes

    I have been attempting to knock out as many recipes as possible from my ever-growing list of saved recipes. Included here during May were: 

    • Kylie's breakfast cookie/pizza - I used WW flour rather than pulsing my own oat flour then topped with strawberries, peaches, yogurt and mixed nut butter
    • A "rolex" inspired wrap - a Ugandan quick meal that I used crepes I had in my freezer instead of making the chapati. Basically a rolled up thin egg omelette thing! 
    • Another of Kylie's delish recipes: pancake mix cinnamon rolls that I had raved about previously + dried figs--a staple in my pantry
    • Oatmeal ala Cora: quick-soak, boil, rest. Added blueberries & strawberries for mine.


    Questions:
    Doughnuts or donuts?
    Best thing you've eaten in the past week!
    What's on your to-make/to-try list? 

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    Kaylee G.

    Twenty-something year old Filipino American on her way to redefining her relationship with health and finding herself.

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