To say that 2016 flew by is basically the largest understatement of the entire year.

My computer has been incredibly slow and hanging on me 24/7; it too is ready for a fresh start of a new year. Because of this, rather than go through my 2016 month by month like I had originally planned to recap the year, I will instead share some quick insights in the form of my "notes to self."

For the past couple of years, I have written out notes on my planner, mental reminders I've gathered during the ups an downs of the over the 365 days. I feel these sum up the who I've become in the past year.



It was a year of firsts. I got my first tattoo. I voted for the first time. I bought my first car, had my first (legal 😳) glass of wine in the U.S.. I finally have my own bathroom for the first time in my life--ever!!!! Tough decisions were made. Many, many, many tears were shed but were also much needed. Miles travelled, books read, tests taken, words written, songs sung, shows watched, moments shared. Someone recently said some thought-provoking words that resonated with me and is a good reminder as we start 2017:

"I'm not where I want to be but I'm better than where I was. And I have a whole lifetime ahead of me to get where I want to be."

 I think I can speak for most of us by saying we often get so wrapped up in the busy-ness that we forget to thank ourselves for the time/overlook the growth we have realized. So, whether or not 2016 was "your year," I hope you take the time to look back and appreciate what you were able to accomplish. Think about what you want to take with you into 2017 and what you want to leave behind.

I'm not big on making resolutions for the new year; it doesn't do any good for me and my perfectionistic mindset or maybe it is my perfectionism that holds me back from doing so. Whatever the case, however, I want to truly thrive this year. I don't want to merely survive but I want to stay inspired, explore, discover new passions, new friends, new experiences. With that, I bed y'all a happy new year and I'll talk to you next year! 😉

It's frustrating that even during the lulls, the so-called breaks, I feel compelled to fill my days. Between treatment, running errands and volunteering for my org, the past weeks have been busy. Then when I actually have nothing planned--literally planning to have no plans and take a day to just relax--I feel restless and absolutely can't "just relax." Amidst the jam packed days, there leaves a lot of room for even the teeny tiniest accomplishments. Once again, thank you Meghan for hosting!

• Survived a really capricious week of Dallas weather. Headed to warm Florida on Tuesday to spend a few days with my grandparents and family friends! 

• Baked a bunch of pumpkin snickerdoodles for my professors and co-workers. Then went around playing Santa to deliver them.
• Bought all my Christmas presents! Except for one more I am waiting to arrive, wrapped all of the others! Can't believe my favorite holiday is less than a week away! 

Me on the screen and my woke-up-like-this face

• Video called with my bestest best friends back in the Philippines as they revealed and exchanged Secret Santa gifts. 
• With my final final on Tuesday, I officially closed my second to last semester of my undergrad career. AAAAAHHHHH!!!! 
• Returned my rented textbooks before they were due

• Ate out (!) with friends (!!) twice on the same day (!!!): a hugemongous slice of anchovy and zucchini pizza for lunch and then a seared tuna taco for dinner. This may seem like such a small thing but for me this was challenging and am proud of myself for overcoming hence all the !!!s  🙌
• Made it through one week of my IOP program. Strangely, the meals themselves aren't as challenging as I expected them to be (A good or bad thing?). Probably more on this later.... 
• Attended a vegan pop-up market downtown on Thursday evening. Munched on cheese, chocolate croissants and hot chocolate with whipped cream and sprinkles--all vegan!! Plus, I got this free kombucha that I'm excited to try!  

• Attended two therapist and two dietician meetings all within 48 hours of one another. 
• As the coordinator of the fundraising events for one of the orgs I'm a part of,  we sold bouquets upon bouquets of roses at graduation ceremonies. I was literally there for 12 hours on Friday and 8 on Saturday. Lots of standing. Lots of talking. Much tiring. 
• Following the craziness of the weekend, I planned to make Sunday a full day of self-care: Baked scones, made a warm bowl of soup for dinner, attempted to soak in with this lovely bubble bar from LUSH, rubbed in some festive lotion, watched shows and read.

• Cut, buffed and painted my nails earlier in the week & then took it off last night! 
• Finished the first season of Gilmore Girls without even noticing it... Oh, the beauty and horror that is Netflix. 
• Wrote this post!  

Questions:
Have you tried kombucha before? Vegan hot chocolate? 
How do you get into the holiday spirit? 
What shows are you watching? 

And by week I mean the two past months... I've been putting this post off for some time now because there are just SO MANY wonderful links to share that I can't read or write fast enough!

But first, I wanted to share a few things.

1. I joined the recently-founded Spoon University chapter for my school as a photographer! Excited to get to continue to practice my food photography skills and get to know other foodies. Also check out our Instagram!

2. Recovery-wise, as I've mentioned in previous posts, I have felt a little stagnant. Not like I am moving backwards but definitely less engaged, less challenged. So, I have decided to start an IOP (intensive outpatient) program at a nearby eating disorder center over the holiday break. Surprisingly, I am not feeling all too anxious about it. It feels...right? Will keep you updated!

Time for all the good links. Because I have a lot to share (plus honestly out of my own laziness), rather than explain as I usually do, I'll keep it short and just add a little blip! Read on, friends, read on.

This quote reflected my week. I am feeling good at the moment. Calm, thankful, present for once. There were definitely times though when I felt completely frustrated, overwhelmed, on the brink of tears. So I cried. I let myself cry. But I no longer am crying. The storm has passed by. This is a reminder for all (including myself) that thoughts are fleeting. Feelings are fleeting. There may be more storms to come but for now I am appreciating the weather as is whatever it may be.

Considering the amount of stress I felt this week, I definitely made time for me. In fact, there was a lot of things I did to take care of myself, which honestly is probably what I need to do most when I am freaking out. So I'm feeling accomplished already. Here's another Week in Review (Thanks Meghan!) for ya. Please forgive the randomness of this title. I guess that's pretty much how my moods have felt--random. Have a happy week, friends!

• Took not one but TWO selfies last week, something I rarely ever do. Why do we equate selfies with being vain? Sometimes, a good picture & a smile is just what you need to cheer up. That's not necessarily egotistic; it can be simply self-care.
• Made falafel & couscous tabouleh for our cooking club meeting one evening. As sad as it is that it was our last cooking event of the semester, I am glad the stress from that is over for now.

• Harvested a buttload of basil from the community garden. Time for all the pesto ever!
• Attended an Excel workshop and improved my VLOOKUP skills
• Finished reading my for fun book--Empire of Storms. This was a good, long read. (AND SARAH MAAS IS AMAZING)

• Went out on a date with my sister last Friday. Indian food & Avenue Q made for a much-needed relaxed evening. I tried something new & ordered this veggie bread mash thing called kothu parotta. 
• Also, she, her boyfriend & I won taboo against my parents & aunt! Millennials FTW. 

• Made persimmon jam out of hachiya persimmons. FYI, these taste disgusting plain... Fuyu all the way! 
• Subsequently cut myself while chopping the frozen fruit.... twice.... Sad looking, I know, but at least I was able to make do with what I had (i.e. cotton & tape)
• Left my weekend's to-do list unfinished, which isn't something most people are proud of, but it's something I need to learn to be okay with, without feeling like I've somehow failed.  

I don't know how to begin this post without rambling so I'll ramble on. I've been feeling down lately. And by down, I mean veryveryvery down. Earlier this afternoon, I literally sat in my car for 20 minutes doing nothing. What's more is that I didn't feel motivated to do anything. Nothing. No desire to read, watch TV, eat, talk, move.

I understand we all can feel "blah" sometimes, need a good cry, may feel lonely, etc. That's just part of being human. But the past two weeks I've been feeling more apathetic and more passive than I had prior. I've also been feeling like I lack support, particularly anyone on campus that I see on a day-to-day basis. I don't think the "friends" I do have now are the best for my mental and physical health. They're not what I need for my recovery. Yet, since I don't have anyone else, I would rather them than no one to turn to.

At my session with my counselor this week, she had me read the symptoms of depression according to the DSM (aka the Bible for a psych people). Some related to how I was feeling (or more that I wasn't?). I guess this is me opening up to the fact that I am slightly depressed. I don't know why I've hesitated to say this; I don't believe it is out of denial or shame. Maybe because of all the assumptions around what having "depression" entails if I did. The stigma, perhaps.

I don't know why I'm saying this. I don't know what I want to hear. I don't know what I need. I don't know what will make me happy. I don't know anymore.

Source

Bleeeeeech. That's how my weekend felt. I am feeling overwhelmed and stressed out. And I know when I am stressed, I start to overthink E V E R Y T H I N G. Not good because when I overthink, I control. What's worse is my overthinking leads to me being less productive, me questioning why can't I just be productive, me questioning the questioning and the stress cycle continues. I've been so wrapped up in my racing thoughts and very future-focused. I need to slow down. I need to give presence to the present. I need to breathe. My motivation has been nonexistent, which doesn't exactly help either.

As per usual, when my brain is beating down on me for being a failure, it's Week in Review time:

• Did an artsy, mosaic thing for our Halloween at work. My aim was to use as few artistic skills as possible. But it's awesome when your workday is basically crafting for a couple of hours 👌👌👌

• Got my tattoo over a week ago so not part of this week's WIR exactly but I've been taking care of it so that's gotta count as an accomplishment! 
• Celebrated 2 National Food Days last week: keeping it simple with figs & dark chocolate for Chocolate Day (10/28) and turmeric oatmeal for Oatmeal Day (10/29). I completely get the food blogger world's whole obsession now. This bowl was magical 😍  Plus, look at the poms! 

• Baked a sheet of spelt foccacia from Food and Wine. Seriously, nothing nothing compares to warm, fresh bread. Can't wait for more baking adventures as the weather cools. 

• Went on a quick coffee date with someone from Tinder (hey, no judging!!!). Enjoyed talking to him though not so much the drink. I never learn not to order coffee so late in the afternoon because it really messes with me.  
• Roasted the rainbow -- yellow zucchini, brussels, kobocha squash & chickpeas. If I cook like it's fall, maybe we will magically fast-forward to Thanksgiving break!!

• Watched not 1, not 2 but 3 movies in the span of 7 days. That seriously must be a record for me. 
• The usual chore culprits: laundry folding, dish washing, nail polish removing, changing my sheets, etcetera, etcetera. 
• Did some morning yoga last Saturday and progressed on my crow pose. Woop, woop! 
• After exercising (^^^) in the sunshine with my mama, I exercised my right to vote for the first time (see what I did there heheh). Don't wanna instigate a whole political debate but no matter who you're rooting for GO VOTE!!!  

Featuring my toothbrush and hoard of Central Market bags

Amidst the midterm craziness that's about to commence, I wanted to to assure you all that I am, in fact, still alive despite the inactiveness of this blog. Because of said craziness, I'm going to keep avoid writing and refer you instead to some other awesome posts from around the web. Peace out, beansprouts!


1. I oh so very much miss the blogging verse especially staying up to date with Julia's blog. I know this is more than a tad (aka a month late) but it just goes to show how I keep meaning to write this blog post and keep putting it off. Just had to share her words on affirmations. When I'm feeling overwhelmed, my go-to affirmation of sorts comes from Brene Brown: "No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough."

2. What's procrastination without adding more to my to-make recipes? Like this black eyed pea hummus, or spelt foccacia, or these coconut almond bites... You get the idea.

3. We get it in our heads that college is the end all, be all. They will be the "best four years of your life." Recently, with it being my senior year, I have felt I wasted these so called best years. But as this article notes, life doesn't stop after graduation. There will always be more time to find yourself, to recreate yourself, to fail, to succeed, to live.

4. To anyone struggling with body image & self-love right now: A good reminder to keep at it and take care of your body, mind and soul. Your weight is just another meaningless number is the grand scheme of things. You are more than what you look like.
5. Lastly, I will leave you with this post from Buzzfeed to honor Mental Health Week this past week. Seriously, one of the most powerful, ED-related things I've read in a while.

"Always I wonder if recovery ever exists. If I’m ever to be rid of this. I feel like it will always be on the periphery, a thing inside of me. It will always be there within me and every day I will think about it as it looks me in the face. It is about food and it is not about food at all; it has nothing to do with food but with things even more primal and closer to the bottom of being human. It is about control and desire and denial and all I can do is wrestle with it." 

Questions:
Got any recipes to share? 
Or affirmations? 
How is your October going? 

Hiiiiiiiiii. Unplanned, completely spontaneous post here. Linking up with Amanda for Thursday's Thinking Out Loud!

Hi.

Over a month since my last post. Wow. I know--I'm terrible at keeping promises. 😭  The past month has been pretty hectic. Now with classes fully in the swing of things I feel I have no time for me and when I do have time, my brain immediately thinks I have to be doing something better with my time. That all accumulated this weekend where I was being hard on myself, which meant it was time for another....


So, here I am on a Sunday night trying to compose this post before bed time. Didn't realize until writing this how much I missed blogging. Note to self: some TL(S)C--tender loving self care--never hurt ya. I am so making TLSC a thing. 'Til next time even if that may be a month from now (just kidding, I hope)!

• In retrospect, despite how "unproductive" and "unmotivated" I felt, I got a good chunk of school stuff done. Basically all my meals have been spent multitasking & look like this:

• ....with the occasional night of Gossip Girl, ice cream & coloring.

• Did a couple of loads of laundry and washed several (AKA too many) dishes by hand. <<< Seriously one of my least favorite chores.
• Found my new go-to morning yoga stretch. For less than 10 minutes of stretching, I definitely felt an up in energy level. Great way to start the day! 
• Completed my first exam of the semester. And have two more this week. How am I 1/4 of the way through my senior year of college!?? 
• Daily (or even several times a day) walks to and from my new apartment made even better with views of the sunset/moon.
  
  
  
  
• Expanded my NPR listening to beyond car rides. I am an old lady for realz.
  
  
• 
  Took myself out for a much needed date to explore the Design District in Dallas on Saturday. Brunch consisted of a Mexican omelet (pico + all the cheese + more salsa). 
• Successfully took photos (like the one waaaaaay up there) for the photography class I'm taking this semester. 
• Went grocery shopping and found these bad boys on clearance. What's better than nutbutter? Nutbutter on sale. (Giving myself a well deserved self five for these steals. Heck yes!)

Confession: I'm addicted to crosswords and sudoku puzzles. It's bad. It's become part of my morning routine for the past weeks I've been in the Philippines. 



Did I forget to mention I have been back in Manila since the end of July? Whoopsies. Right at this moment, my flight actually leaves in 3 hours. I promise there'll be an entirely different post dedicated to my trip....eventually... Since this is long overdue, gonna keep it relatively short and sweet, meaning less words and more links. Double the fun!!! 

1. So excited for the new season of ANTM! Even more pumped after reading this piece from Ashley Graham, a plus-sized model and one of the upcoming judges, in response to the skinny-shaming she faced on social media. 

2. What a Feminist Looks like acc. to Obama. Can he please just remain president for the next 4 years too?!?? 

3. Some questions for future me to consider about myself.

4. I can finally fulfil those interior designer dreams of mine a la Chip & Joanna Gaines of Fixer Upper (TX represent!) with the newly released Magnolia home collection. 

5. Thank you Cora for brilliantly describing the struggle of weight gain. It is sososo much harder than I realized it would be. An extra scoop of ice cream once and a while won't make you gain 10 pounds nor will skipping a day at the gym. Even a year after I began my recovery journey, I still haven't fully ingrained this in my brain. 

6. Rethinking Friendship

7. Missing baking in my kitchen--and summer fruits!!!--incredibly so at the moment. Doesn't help when I come across recipes like these strawberry & pistachio oat bars...or this peach & almond loaf...or these blueberry donuts... 

8. As I haven't been able to catch any of the Olympics women's gymnastics coverage, I will settle for Buzzfeed's article on Simone Biles, which will make you question what you've been doing with your life... (TX represent again!) 

9. A good article on the perils of advice.

Here’s the deal. The human soul doesn’t want to be advised or fixed or saved. It simply wants to be witnessed — to be seen, heard and companioned exactly as it is.

Sometimes all you really want is someone there to nod along to your nonsense.

Questions:
Anyone else a fan of Fixer Upper? (🙋🙋🙋 ) And if you didn't raise your hand, go get your butt in front of some HGTV! 
What job/career would you have had in an alternate universe?
Are you the advice-giving type? 

I had this post typed up and ready to go this morning. But apparently IT DIDN'T FREAKING SAVE. Ugh. Then my computer was giving me all the troubles at work. Double ugh. If that says anything about how my Monday went...

For some reason, the shorter weeks feel the longest to me. That was definitely the case with the holiday last Monday and given the tragic events that occurred. It's even harder to think I have walked those same Dallas streets and know people who were at the protest that evening. My heart goes out not only to all the loved ones of those who were killed but also to the whole world. Is this violence really what we've come to as a human race? It wrenches at my heart to think so.

Despite how the week dragged on, I felt I had gotten nothing done, which meant it was the perfect time for another Week In Review!