You've Got Kayl: April 2017

Joining in the Thinking Out Loud party today albeit a tad late.

This April marks two years since I started my recovery journey. I remember sitting in my dietician's office hearing her ban me from exercise altogether back in 2015. So I stopped exercising altogether. I make it sound like it was a ridiculously easy thing for me to do when in fact it was the complete opposite. I resisted, I cried, I protested. But in the end here I am. Going from running, Zumba classes, Blogilates, row machines to nilch. It was tough. It still is tough sometimes even 730 days later especially on pleasantly warm mornings where I can imagine my feet hitting the pavement or at random moments when I pass by the on-campus gym that I used to frequent several times a week.

It struck me the other day that before I began recovery deep in the midst of my eating disorder I was exercising to be able to eat. You know, the whole calories in < calories out sort of deal? (Not a real thing by the way) Now, in the back of my mind, I feel like I am eating to exercise. Definitely not to exercise to the point of organizing my days around exercise like I had in the past but exercise nonetheless. Trying to meet my meal plan (key word: trying) and restore my weight to get to where my dietician will give me the OK to start back up again again. Aside from the occasional yoga and daily walks to and from classes, I am still not involved with any major exercising.

Thinking about it further, I don't think either of these mentalities is truly "healthy." I say this in quotation marks as this is what health is becoming to mean for me. Though both eating and exercising go hand in hand when it comes to health, I don't think one is supposed to compensate for the other. One should not necessarily be contingent on the other per se. Yes, sometimes we need a good stretch to feel less uncomfortably bloated and yes, pre and post workout meals are needed at times. I shouldn't have to eat to exercise or exercise to eat in the long run (no pun intended). Instead, here are some of the answers that I've uncovered for myself in asking why eat and why exercise:

Why Do I Eat?

Because it is one of life's most basic needs
To properly nourish my body
Because my brain needs to think straight
To have crazy fun Thanksgiving grocery store runs with my family
Because I am a coffee shop person

To literally get a taste of a new culture
To test my experiments in the kitchen
For the satisfaction of a post-buffet belly
To celebrate Ben & Jerry's Free Cone Days

Because food is just gosh darn delicious. For example, this toasted coconut cream pie
Because there is nothing like freshly made bread
To participate in life

Why Do I Move?

To take fail jumping shots
To be able to stroll along the beach and feel the sand in my toes and the water at my soles
Because I can

To bond and connect over shared experiences
For the thrill of it
To teach/try something new to/with friends

Because it makes me appreciate my body
For views like this

Or this

And this!!!!

Because I feel empowered
To feel the breeze in my hair as I bike down a hill
To participate in life

Questions:
Why do you move?
Care to share something that has been on your mind lately?

There are so many raisins to love your body!

Three hours ago I drove home from my parents' house after arguing with them essentially over nothing. The pounding rain on the windshield matched my bawling face. I could feel my emotions taking over, everything bubbling up. I knew my thoughts were irrational. I knew I was just in a bad mood. I was completely aware of these default reasonings my brain conjures up. And yet, I couldn't help but make myself feel worse. I was spiralling.

I have been irritable for the past couple of days. Stemming from feelings unproductive, I . I have been judging myself hardcore for not working on the things I "need" to get done, for allowing myself too much rest. I ended up spending the night over there the night prior and on Sunday morning I woke up feeling flat. The day hadn't started and I was already hating on myself for being lazy. Throughout the morning, I could not for the life of me motivate myself to do anything. I was literally switching among mindlessly scrolling through Facebook, complaining about how I needed to actually do stuff, and asking myself what was wrong with me, why couldn't I just get up?

I was talking to a friend the other morning and we had agreed that our freshman year selves would be disappointed in our efforts now specifically around academics. Past Kaylee is ashamed of Present Kaylee. Everyone says to "give it your all." So when I feel myself not putting in my 150%--what I know I could be doing based on prior experience--, I act disdainful. Like in the case of that morning ^^^, I look . I find I am constantly comparing myself to who I was or who I want to be rather than accept the person I am in the moment.

While I was sitting at those multiple stop lights, all snotty and gross, I was reminded of a concept Brene Brown talks about in Rising Strong called stormy first drafts or SFDs for short (the kid-friendly name 😉), which is also very apt for today's weather. Basically it's writing everything & anything you're feeling without judgment. You know the type we have to submit in elementary school for teachers to correct. Making one allows you to build awareness and move through your thoughts and feelings without falling prey to the cognitive traps we set ourselves. In those moments of hating on my laziness, snapping at my mom, continuing to disparage myself in the car, I knew I was creating conspiracies and confabulations in my head. I knew I was in need for an SFD session.

After that good cry where I let it all out, when I got back to my apartment I cooked up soup to distract myself from myself, which may or may not be the healthiest way to cope but it helped my emotions settle down nonetheless. Although I didn't physically write an SFD, I did not continue to judge myself for my "failures." Awareness is after all the first step. Maybe I am not working as hard as I used to. But maybe I don't need to. What matters is that we are all trying our bests given the tools and circumstances granted to us even if it may not feel like it.

"All I know is that my life is better when I assume that people are doing their best. It keeps me out of judgment and lets me focus on what is, and not what should or could be." - Brene Brown's husband

Thank you Meghan for letting me share my accomplishments yet again. And thank you all for listening to me ramble and have a lovely week! Here's to doing our best wherever we are at.

Attended the first meeting of another Body Project session. I had done one about a year and a half ago now but wanted to see how much of my body-image outlook and self-confidence has changed in that time.
Got to attend a pre-interview dinner for the next round of potential interns for the firm I interned at. Strange to be on the other side of things. I thought I was done wearing But yay for free fancy food!
Started the new Harry Potter book, Cursed Child! It's nothing spectacular but an easy read was exactly what I was needing.

It's okay to lose your marbles.

Had a thought-provoking conversation with my counselor last Tuesday about feelings of anxiousness and worry. I believe a little worry is good for us. I think it gives us a sense of purpose. It can be a tool for motivation. Too much, however, and it can debilitate us, overwhelming, consuming us entirely. She paralleled carrying around little bouts of anxiety to marbles; we need to learn which ones are okay to simply let roll away. In a way we need to choose what worries us. I tracked and illustrated what worried me throughout the day in a marble jar drawing. It was really interesting to see where my worries typically came from. Again, building awareness is the first step.

Bonded with my aunt over dinner, TV and usual conversation. We had shrimp tempura, brown rice and sesame roasted veggies. Then watched the latest episodes of both Survivor and Amazing Race.
Posted some of my favorite eats of the month.
Discovered a new study spot on campus that meets all my criteria:

☑️ Available outlets
☑️ Comfy chairs
☑️ Semi-isolated but still okay for people watching
☑️ Natural lighting

Source

Made it to the matinee showing of Kinky Boots in the nick of time!
Picked up groceries for the cooking club meeting. We'll be making a beef curry dish this week!
Also watched Hidden Figures as yet another form of procrastination. My university offered a free screening during the middle of the day last Friday and I couldn't turn it down. I highly recommend it if you get the chance.

Questions:

Is there such a thing as giving yourself too much rest?

Do you catch yourself creating stories in your head, the beginnings of SFDs?

What does giving your 100% mean to you?

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