This Sunday began as the past few days here in Dallas have, aka with gray and dreary skies. As hard as I try to fight it, the weather and temperature drastically influence my mood. Despite falling back and gaining an hour of sleep, I was strangely exhausted and just felt blah when I woke up this morning.


This weather practically screams cozy, oatmeal-y muffins for so I got up and baked spelt, oatmeal & pear ones after intense Google recipe searching. I ate a couple for breakfast along with a handful of walnuts. I exchanged the oil for applesauce and whole wheat for spelt flour. Yay for satisfied cravings!!!


In between some almost emotional breakdowns over the weekend, I've been thinking a lot about my recovery. My ED thoughts are primarily motivated by my perfectionism (which if you had asked me a year ago I would have denied completely so there's progress). I wanted this unrealistic and pseudo me. I felt pressured to do and be everything. I needed to fulfill the expectations of someone who had her shit together: maintaining my straight A's, exercising every single day, having (an illusion of) a social life, being constantly happy. When I didn't meet said expectations, I would let it affect me mentally, putting me in a cycle of expectations and disappointment. Definitely not good for my already low self-esteem.

Right now, I fear becoming lazy because of recovery. As I let go of these expectations, I am beginning to feel a little lost and unmotivated without them. What if my determination and perseverance were just consequences of my perfectionism? How do I healthily push myself to do things? I guess the answer is it's entirely okay to be lazy once and a while. Our minds, bodies and souls need breaks.

I didn't do much today but that doesn't mean I didn't accomplish anything. There is something to say about  Today I realized...

• I am learning to accept that lying in bed all day is not the end of the world.
• I am getting better at listening to what I want rather than what I tell myself I should want.
• I am living in and for the now more.

Happy November y'all