Thinking Out Loud: On Decisions

September 21, 2017

Before this Thinking Out Loud Thursday ends, asking for your patience in advance as I go here, there and everywhere in today's post.

I am feeling at a crossroads in life though honestly the things eating at my brain aren't entirely life or death situations. It's just me overthinking yet again, which is even most frustrating.

  1. The dietician I'd been seeing since starting recovery back in 2015 has come back from her maternity leave over the summer. When she was gone, I began to see a new one a new one. I know I can't continue to see both of them from my moral perspective and time-wise that's just too much for one week. So now, I'm weighing my options. I have asked my family what they think in the hopes they would make the decision for me but alas they know that that's my go-to and weren't much help. I know I need to learn to decide for myself. (Isn't that what adulting is afterall?) My main issue is I don't know what voice to follow. When I start to lean towards one, I question whether if it's the eating disorder or if it's recovery Kaylee wanting it.
  2. Then I have also been struggling career-wise, kinda rethinking decisions I made years ago that I can't change now. I constantly wonder what if--what if I said yes to a different firm for my internship, what if I was never an accounting major, what if I attended a different school, what if I stayed in the Philippines? But that doesn't get me anywhere; I am still left figuring out where should I go now. I am not feeling fulfilled in my current state. My future doesn't excite me and that in itself scares the hell out of me.  moving states? staying where i am? I know I don't have to make this decision now but I can't avoid it too, always sweeping it under the rug for future me. I have been contemplating moving states after graduating or even completely leaving my field altogether (Culinary school would be a dream!) I don't know what it is. I wish I could do both. I wish I could do it all. I don't know what I need. I sure as hell don't know what I even want. I am scared to take a risk because what if I'm even more unhappy then? 
If this word vomit of a post hasn't already depicted, I absolutely hate making decisions. They paralyze me. But why is this so? What am I afraid of? I guess part of me doesn't want to make the 'wrong' decision as much as I know there is no wrong decision--each opportunity is a one where I can learn and grow and be a better me and all the other cliches of the sort. I also feel I don't want to deal with the consequences of my decisions and that's why I rely others/external factors to tell me which way to go. (I have even been known to resort to drawing straws, flipping coins and eeny-meeny-miny-moe-ing.) If I don't choose, when things go out of control I won't have to blame myself for the 'bad' choice as terrible as that sounds.

If there's anything I learned through recovery, it's how little I trust my own self--whether it be my body, my gut, my heart. I don't trust myself enough to choose. I don't trust myself to be okay and get through the aftermath of said choices. I don't trust the future. I don't trust that things will work themselves out for the best in the end. I don't trust myself to be vulnerable.

Through all of this, it amazes me that life continues to send you exactly what you need in that moment. While I was contemplating all of this, I happened to subsequently listen to these podcasts on design thinking & getting unstuck and on job crafting & getting more out of your work. A good reminder to myself that whatever happens, whatever I choose isn't permanent. That I have time to do whatever I set my mind to. That that will change. That there are multiple solutions not just a single 'perfect' one.

 I wish my mind could put to paper (...or should I say keyboard?) all my current feelings and thoughts. I don't know where I was going exactly with this post. Maybe I am looking to solicit advice (...again...) or maybe I hoped it would help me sort through my thoughts and mental barriers. Perhaps I just wanted to be able to share those podcasts for anyone else feeling the way I am currently. Whatever the case, there's another peek inside my scatterbrained brain.

Are you a chronic over-thinker?
How do you handle decisions?
What is currently nagging at your mind? 

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