On Depression

November 06, 2016

I don't know how to begin this post without rambling so I'll ramble on. I've been feeling down lately. And by down, I mean veryveryvery down. Earlier this afternoon, I literally sat in my car for 20 minutes doing nothing. What's more is that I didn't feel motivated to do anything. Nothing. No desire to read, watch TV, eat, talk, move.

I understand we all can feel "blah" sometimes, need a good cry, may feel lonely, etc. That's just part of being human. But the past two weeks I've been feeling more apathetic and more passive than I had prior. I've also been feeling like I lack support, particularly anyone on campus that I see on a day-to-day basis. I don't think the "friends" I do have now are the best for my mental and physical health. They're not what I need for my recovery. Yet, since I don't have anyone else, I would rather them than no one to turn to.

At my session with my counselor this week, she had me read the symptoms of depression according to the DSM (aka the Bible for a psych people). Some related to how I was feeling (or more that I wasn't?). I guess this is me opening up to the fact that I am slightly depressed. I don't know why I've hesitated to say this; I don't believe it is out of denial or shame. Maybe because of all the assumptions around what having "depression" entails if I did. The stigma, perhaps.

I don't know why I'm saying this. I don't know what I want to hear. I don't know what I need. I don't know what will make me happy. I don't know anymore.

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