Something that has been racking my brain recently is the blurry spectrum of self-care and how it relates to discipline. I have been planning this post for weeks now to join in thinking aloud. Problem is the intense struggle of actually getting my thoughts into words. Writer's block indeed. Rather than procrastinate for yet another week, I decided to let those thoughts and feelings flow, hopefully not too incoherently, and just write that SFD.
The world of self-care is very confusing. The real question that has been nagging at me that started this whole thing was: Is there such a thing as too much self-care? I feel I use self-care as a way to excuse myself from doing the "hard things," from doing things I don't necessarily want to do (homework, clean my room), and sometimes even things I do truly want to do (take more pictures, play the piano), the latter are things that could be considered self-care too.
With my busy schedule this summer, I find myself getting home at the end of the day exhausted in all aspects. I just want to curl in bed and watch mindless TV. Not that TV as self-care is a bad thing; it might be exactly what I need in that moment but not the self-care that I know I ultimately need or want to partake in. And maybe it's the "should" monster in me speaking but there has to be truth in this compulsion.
Also slightly on that note, since recovery, I feel my discipline declining. In the peak of my eating disorder, I was exercising 5-6 times a week. I would get up for a run or would force myself to go the gym. It was obviously not the healthiest thing (hello ED!) for me at the time nor do I want to go back to that mindset. But when I look back and reflect on that time, my drive was stellar. I amazingly somehow had energy to accomplish that, classes, a part-time job and not feel as drained as I do now. I don't remember finding myself scrolling through my Facebook feed every 10 minutes (seriously the number of times I visited Facebook when writing this most is unreal) or checking how many people viewed my Snaps or refreshing my email, waiting for an update somewhere, anywhere. I don't know what I am waiting for.
There were times I did not even take my phone with me to the gym. Although the exercise addiction and eating disorder took over my life, I miss the freedom of not being addicted to my phone. This is probably the biggest thing that is getting to me. What's even more frustrating is know that it isn't the healthiest thing for my mental space. It's too easy to get lost in the comparison spiral, the "ideal." Though sadly, I think part my brain wants to let it slide as "self-care," that I should basically allow myself to do it because I need to appease that slight anxiety of not checking it. Rather than have the control to step away from my phone, I give in to the urges and bring it out.
In the past 2 years, I may not necessarily have gotten lazier but I find I am missing that spark within me. I am missing a sense of motivation. A drive to get myself out of bed and not check Instagram first thing in the morning. A drive to choose to clear the clutter from my desk rather than watch a bajillion movie trailers on YouTube.
I take more Buzzfeed quizzes on a daily basis that tell me what kind of cake I am or how many kids I'll have than I would like admit. Is is wrong to call that self-care? Am I merely using it as avoidance, distraction, from the self-care that I truly need but can be more taxing? Is self-care something that does not have to be forced? If it's exhausting in the short-term but potentially fulfilling in the long run, is it still self-care? Can self-care make you unhappy, for example when journaling and sitting with uncomfortable feelings? Where is the discipline to stop me from opening Buzzfeed in the first place? Should self-care come with discipline? If yes, how do incorporate it without self-caret becoming a chore that we don't look forward to?
More than anything, I would love to hear your thoughts around self-care or discipline, particularly when it comes to social media and the internet and being glued to our phones. Thank you for allowing me to rattle on with little sense.
