Week in Review: Stormy First Drafts
|There are so many raisins to love your body!|
Three hours ago I drove home from my parents' house after arguing with them essentially over nothing. The pounding rain on the windshield matched my bawling face. I could feel my emotions taking over, everything bubbling up. I knew my thoughts were irrational. I knew I was just in a bad mood. I was completely aware of these default reasonings my brain conjures up. And yet, I couldn't help but make myself feel worse. I was spiralling.
I was talking to a friend the other morning and we had agreed that our freshman year selves would be disappointed in our efforts now specifically around academics. Past Kaylee is ashamed of Present Kaylee. Everyone says to "give it your all." So when I feel myself not putting in my 150%--what I know I could be doing based on prior experience--, I act disdainful. Like in the case of that morning ^^^, I look . I find I am constantly comparing myself to who I was or who I want to be rather than accept the person I am in the moment.
While I was sitting at those multiple stop lights, all snotty and gross, I was reminded of a concept Brene Brown talks about in Rising Strong called stormy first drafts or SFDs for short (the kid-friendly name 😉), which is also very apt for today's weather. Basically it's writing everything & anything you're feeling without judgment. You know the type we have to submit in elementary school for teachers to correct. Making one allows you to build awareness and move through your thoughts and feelings without falling prey to the cognitive traps we set ourselves. In those moments of hating on my laziness, snapping at my mom, continuing to disparage myself in the car, I knew I was creating conspiracies and confabulations in my head. I knew I was in need for an SFD session.
After that good cry where I let it all out, when I got back to my apartment I cooked up soup to distract myself from myself, which may or may not be the healthiest way to cope but it helped my emotions settle down nonetheless. Although I didn't physically write an SFD, I did not continue to judge myself for my "failures." Awareness is after all the first step. Maybe I am not working as hard as I used to. But maybe I don't need to. What matters is that we are all trying our bests given the tools and circumstances granted to us even if it may not feel like it.
"All I know is that my life is better when I assume that people are doing their best. It keeps me out of judgment and lets me focus on what is, and not what should or could be." - Brene Brown's husband
Thank you Meghan for letting me share my accomplishments yet again. And thank you all for listening to me ramble and have a lovely week! Here's to doing our best wherever we are at.
- Attended the first meeting of another Body Project session. I had done one about a year and a half ago now but wanted to see how much of my body-image outlook and self-confidence has changed in that time.
- Got to attend a pre-interview dinner for the next round of potential interns for the firm I interned at. Strange to be on the other side of things. I thought I was done wearing But yay for free fancy food!
- Started the new Harry Potter book, Cursed Child! It's nothing spectacular but an easy read was exactly what I was needing.
|It's okay to lose your marbles.|
- Had a thought-provoking conversation with my counselor last Tuesday about feelings of anxiousness and worry. I believe a little worry is good for us. I think it gives us a sense of purpose. It can be a tool for motivation. Too much, however, and it can debilitate us, overwhelming, consuming us entirely. She paralleled carrying around little bouts of anxiety to marbles; we need to learn which ones are okay to simply let roll away. In a way we need to choose what worries us. I tracked and illustrated what worried me throughout the day in a marble jar drawing. It was really interesting to see where my worries typically came from. Again, building awareness is the first step.
- Bonded with my aunt over dinner, TV and usual conversation. We had shrimp tempura, brown rice and sesame roasted veggies. Then watched the latest episodes of both Survivor and Amazing Race.
- Posted some of my favorite eats of the month.
- Discovered a new study spot on campus that meets all my criteria:
☑️ Available outlets
☑️ Comfy chairs
☑️ Semi-isolated but still okay for people watching
☑️ Natural lighting
- Made it to the matinee showing of Kinky Boots in the nick of time!
- Picked up groceries for the cooking club meeting. We'll be making a beef curry dish this week!
- Also watched Hidden Figures as yet another form of procrastination. My university offered a free screening during the middle of the day last Friday and I couldn't turn it down. I highly recommend it if you get the chance.
Is there such a thing as giving yourself too much rest?
Do you catch yourself creating stories in your head, the beginnings of SFDs?
What does giving your 100% mean to you?