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It's been almost a month since I last shared some wonderful links with y'all. That is not to say I haven't been reading anything good. I have definitely been gobbling them up. I was originally going to say, that considering what point it is in the semester, I've been "wasting" too much time browsing the interweb but I decided against it. It's been a rough few weeks. I am currently feeling emotionally exhausted, unmotivated, and anxious--not a healthy combination. On the bright side, this allowed me to continue to practice showing compassion towards myself and my feelings. Included in this self-compassion is enriching my mind with the fulfilling thoughts of others, not a waste of time if it brings me joy and inspiration. Here are a few of the ones I found that did just that.

Oooh, also a happiest of Earth Days to our beautiful planet.


1. Intuitive Eating ≠ Avoiding "Bleh" Foods - A misconception I had had about intuitive eating was that it's "supposed to" make you feel good all the time. That if you somehow ate something you didn't like or enjoy it was wrong. That feeling overly full was a bad thing. Obviously, this is my black and white thinking coming into play. Loved loved loved getting reminded of my intuitive eating really is.


Source

2. How to Detox Your Inbox - As summer approaches, I am beginning to create my summer to-do list (of course I create to-do lists for myself over the summer. Oh, Kaylee). Included on this is cleaning up my email inbox. A healthy kind of detox.

3. Best Vegetarian Finds at Trader Joe's - Note to self to shop at TJ's more often. Seriously. So many good items that I must try. Plus, it's relatively on the cheap side. I can personally attest to that mixed nut butter by the way.

Carrot loaf + mangoes + that nut butter drizzle = YUMZ x 10

4. 27 Simple Ways to Improve Your Mental Health - For all those who are currently feeling anxious, depressed, alone, scared, hopeless, please know you are not alone. Please make time for yourself to do these easy steps. You are worthy and you are loved and you deserve to feel good. Meditate, make lists, get creative, go outside, read, de-clutter your life. Take it one day--one moment at a time.

Also on the note of mental health...

5. Supporting Those Struggling with Mental Illnesses - Again, the lovely Leah provided wonderful advice. As someone who both struggles and has loved ones that have struggled and continue to struggle, it's been a process learning what helps and what doesn't. As much as it can vary from person to person, situation to situation, she breaks down the basics of how to be there for those you know who are battling mental illnesses.



Well, as we're being completely honest on here, this entire week sucked. I guess it should have been a sign on Wednesday when I had a terrible allergic reaction possibly to something I ate. Long story short, life was out of my control and it annoyed me. I went to the health clinic on campus where they gave me medicine and a shot, later in the day went to see an allergist, and finally got blood drawn for testing. We'll see in a couple of weeks if they can pinpoint what I should be staying away from. Until then, it's more allergy meds for me + now carrying an Epipen. Woo. Did I mention I hate needles?



Then starting on Thursday, I felt irritable, anxious, depressed,  hopeless, alone, shameful, empty, numb, exhausted--you name the terrible feeling and I felt it--for no apparent reason. Or I guess it was a culmination of everything. Every little detail. All at once. I would expound but I am just so tired of thinking about everything and can't fully describe what I actually am feeling. I am just tired of being who I am and it frustrates me that I cannot for the life of me accept myself for just that. I have so many great things going on in my life but can't be grateful and happy for all of my blessings. This just fuels my self-hatred further. I honestly think I am going crazy sometimes. My head won't stop. I am on the verge of tears at every moment. Yet, I am tired of crying. Tired of trying. What's the point of it all anyway?

On that note, I thought for this Week in Review it might help to talk about some of the ways I nourished myself in every aspect--mind, body and soul--over the week though at the moment it is hard for me to see them as accomplishments because they haven't helped me feel any better. BTW, thanks for reading/listening even in my worst moments.

Mind:
  • Listened to the Food Psych podcast episode featuring Immaeatthat, which was even better than it sounds
  • Watched the documentary of the Enron scandal as a way to at least feign productivity for one of my classes
  • Interviewed for a potential summer gig baking at a pie company
  • Skipped my 2nd class in my almost 4 years of college after Wednesday's allergy adventure
  • Went for a couple of walks to take my mind of of things
  • Finished reading another book that came at exactly the right time
Don't ignore your body just because your mind is scared. Your mind is a tool that can bring your body peace.  - Hannah Hart

Body:

  • Honoring my cravings and getting that berry, chia & spinach smoothie
  • Attended a (free!) pilates class where we were also given (free!) tamales
  • Bought a new moisturizer from Trader Joe's to try out. Also applied lotion one night. Note to self to do this more often.

  • Treated myself to a chicken sandwich that I had a 50% off coupon. Despite eating in the car while in traffic, I felt it was a pretty mindful meal
  • Celebrated National Grilled Cheese Day with a kale, cheddar and roasted garlic sammie. 



Soul:
  • Getting my cultural fulfilment by going to see Cynthia D'Aprix Sweeney, author of The Nest, speak at the Dallas Museum of Art

  • Started This is Us
  • Studied with other people rather than isolate myself even if this meant being less productive than I would have been alone
  • Cried all my feelings out on Friday night...and Saturday night...and basically all weekend long...
  • Reached out to a friend who apparently knew that I was feeling off before I even told her (s/o to ya!) 
  • Remembering to just breathe when things get tough

Questions:
What are you allergic to?
How are you finding ways to nourish your mind, body and soul?


Happy Monday! Last week I shared my frustrations around feeling lazy. This time around I definitely still felt those guilty feels. But rather than get sucked into the shame spiral, I allowed myself to feel what I did instead of judging myself for it. For this week's listing of accomplishments, I've come up with the ways I challenged the guilt and self-pity in the past 7 days. In case it wasn't already clear, linking up again with Meghan, Miss WIR herself! 


  • Watched TWO movies over the weekend. Finally saw Beauty and the Beast with my friend that I promised I'd go see it with. The second one was Your Name, a critically acclaimed animated Japanese film that I watched with my cousin. The plot and soundtrack were amazing! Watching movies especially in the theater is definitely something that fuels my guilt. As opposed to on Netflix, when I'm in the dark theater I can't multitask and can't justify the hours spent doing "nothing." So challenge more than accepted--challenged enjoyed! 
  • Another guilt-inducing activity is spending money on myself specifically when it comes to food (Why hello edesia!). I took myself out to try a new coffee shop and bought a strawberry cream cheese loaf slice. More expensive than I would have liked it to be but learning to let it go. 


  • Left a good chunk of my to-do list unchecked. Obviously guilt-inducing for my Type A personality. 
  • Last Tuesday was free cone day at Ben and Jerry's and luckily my university has one right on campus! A couple of friends and I went after class got out. Kinda felt bad about having ice cream for lunch and for time spent doing things I didn't "have to" do. Luckily (again) the line looked much longer than it actually was so glad we stuck it out. Reminded myself that this only happens once a year. Gotta take advantage of that free food! 

Americone Dream FTW. 
  • Attended a chili cook-off on behalf of the cooking org on campus. Felt bad about a) not being able to help out as much as I should have given I am an officer of the club and b) "wasting" my afternoon away not doing anything productive to-do-list-wise. We did end up winning 3rd place and I tasted all the chili entries. 
  • Because of how time consuming it can be (sense a theme yet?), I rarely apply make-up.  I promised I would try it out a couple of times this week and was fairly satisfied with the outcome. Paired with yoga pants and a pajama-esque boyfriend tee perfect mix of looking like I both tried and didn't simultaneously. Yay for taking steps to self-confidence! 



  • Unexpectedly had dinner (fettucine with a fried egg, greens, garlic and salty Filipino fish) with my parents on Saturday night. I hadn't gone grocery shopping for the week and had basically no food at my apartment so I asked if I could join them. Also spent the night there, which made me feel bad about how often I spend time with my parents. Like, what kind of college student am I!?? 
  • Please forgive me because I rushing this one today; I have a presentation during my first class and am feeling completely under prepared. Attempting again to breathe in and accept the guilt rather than succumb to it. What has happened has happened. Ooommm. So finally, writing this post when I should probably be preparing for said presentation. 




Questions:
What are some of your favorite non-Disney animated films?
Do any of these activities induce feelings of guilt for you?
How do you feel about class presentations or presentations in general? 




Joining in the Thinking Out Loud party today albeit a tad late.


This April marks two years since I started my recovery journey. I remember sitting in my dietician's office hearing her ban me from exercise altogether back in 2015. So I stopped exercising altogether. I make it sound like it was a ridiculously easy thing for me to do when in fact it was the complete opposite. I resisted, I cried, I protested. But in the end here I am. Going from running, Zumba classes, Blogilates, row machines to nilch. It was tough. It still is tough sometimes even 730 days later especially on pleasantly warm mornings where I can imagine my feet hitting the pavement or at random moments when I pass by the on-campus gym that I used to frequent several times a week. 

It struck me the other day that before I began recovery deep in the midst of my eating disorder I was exercising to be able to eat. You know, the whole calories in < calories out sort of deal? (Not a real thing by the way) Now, in the back of my mind, I feel like I am eating to exercise. Definitely not to exercise to the point of organizing my days around exercise like I had in the past but exercise nonetheless. Trying to meet my meal plan (key word: trying) and restore my weight to get to where my dietician will give me the OK to start back up again again. Aside from the occasional yoga and daily walks to and from classes, I am still not involved with any major exercising. 

Thinking about it further, I don't think either of these mentalities is truly "healthy." I say this in quotation marks as this is what health is becoming to mean for me. Though both eating and exercising go hand in hand when it comes to health, I don't think one is supposed to compensate for the other. One should not necessarily be contingent on the other per se. Yes, sometimes we need a good stretch to feel less uncomfortably bloated and yes, pre and post workout meals are needed at times. I shouldn't have to eat to exercise or exercise to eat in the long run (no pun intended). Instead, here are some of the answers that I've uncovered for myself in asking why eat and why exercise:  

Why Do I Eat?


  • Because it is one of life's most basic needs
  • To properly nourish my body
  • Because my brain needs to think straight
  • To have crazy fun Thanksgiving grocery store runs with my family
  • Because I am a coffee shop person
  • To literally get a taste of a new culture
  • To test my experiments in the kitchen
  • For the satisfaction of a post-buffet belly 
  • To celebrate Ben & Jerry's Free Cone Days

  • Because food is just gosh darn delicious. For example, this toasted coconut cream pie
  • Because there is nothing like freshly made bread
  • To participate in life


Why Do I Move?



  • To take fail jumping shots
  • To be able to stroll along the beach and feel the sand in my toes and the water at my soles
  • Because I can


  • To bond and connect over shared experiences
  • For the thrill of it 
  • To teach/try something new to/with friends



  • Because it makes me appreciate my body
  • For views like this
  • Or this
  • And this!!!!
  • Because I feel empowered
  • To feel the breeze in my hair as I bike down a hill
  • To participate in life

Questions:
Why do you move?
Care to share something that has been on your mind lately?