since there was no snow this time around, here's a photo from another crazy winter we had in 2013

I was walking home from campus yesterday thinking about how terribly cold I was and how I absolutely do not know how to dress for the bitter cold, below freezing weather that came upon Texas this past week. Then I was thinking more about the weather, how annoyingly capricious it can be (it's supposed to be in the 60s this weekend 😒 ). And also about how I can't control the fact that it feels like 4 degrees outside; I just have to adapt, prepare and make the best of what life gives me. Then this got me thinking (linking up with Running With Spoons for this one!) even more how we try to control other things in our life that aren't really controllable either. But for some reason I get so frustrated with myself when those other things go awry even if it's not in my power. Crazy how the mind jumps all over the place in this way.




I wasn't originally going to post something about this today but I read Robyn's post on skin care from earlier today where she wrote...

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It may be almost 2 weeks into 2018 but I have finally caught up on reading New Year's posts from some of my fellow bloggers, inspirations, and may I say it, well, friends. One of them that really caught my eye was Naomi's 'resolution' one, New Year, More Me.  She talks about letting go of those things (i.e. shame, guilt, control) that only hold you back from yourself. Then on Cora's 2017 Recap she shared the words of Maya Angelou: "My wish for you is that you continue. Continue to be who and how you are." Hmmm, I sense a theme here....

Even before reading what these two lovely ladies had to say, I had already been thinking a lot about this 'becoming yourself'; it's as if we are drank the same kool-aid for 2018. Totally on the same page. Another intention (I shared the first about giving presence earlier) of mine for this year and beyond is to cultivate who I authentically am. Out of self-love, I believe I owe it to myself to embrace me, something I have struggled with my whole life.
For me this can mean many things.

It's about discovering new passions and hobbies or focusing on things that fulfil me but I often neglect like photography or playing the piano.

Or in finally getting the shades I've been planning on buying for years now.

Or in simply journalling more intentionally.

This may also be by actually changing habits that I believed made me who I was though in reality were hindering me from just that.
As a slight digression, it's interesting when looking at my intentions (and the mini-goals in between) how almost none of them relate to weight/exercise/food really. Aside from things baking more recipes or doing more yoga, which for me relate more to the mental health aspect of the food and movement respectively, those things were not on my mind at all when I was writing this. And although I know physically I may not be recovered, in other areas this is the most recovered I've felt, which is good to say (err, type).


Despite an overwhelming week (more on that in the near future...) in terms of school, it feels awesome yet completely bizarre to actually be inspired by my intentions. Goals/to-do lists/plans often make me feel the need to control every little thing. However, with this it feels almost natural, less worrisome. As if things will fall into place. As if the me I am working for is around the corner.

I know the concept of finding oneself is a lifelong process and the cultivation will never cease. Call it pointless. Call it selfish. Call it cheesy. But I want to make this year for me.

Questions:
What does cultivating yourself look like to you?
What has been on your mind lately? 

I am feeling at a crossroads in life though honestly the things eating at my brain aren't entirely life or death situations. It's just me overthinking yet again, which is even most frustrating.

1. The dietician I'd been seeing since starting recovery back in 2015 has come back from her maternity leave over the summer. When she was gone, I began to see a new one a new one. I know I can't continue to see both of them from my moral perspective and time-wise that's just too much for one week. So now, I'm weighing my options. I have asked my family what they think in the hopes they would make the decision for me but alas they know that that's my go-to and weren't much help. I know I need to learn to decide for myself. (Isn't that what adulting is afterall?) My main issue is I don't know what voice to follow. When I start to lean towards one, I question whether if it's the eating disorder or if it's recovery Kaylee wanting it.
2. Then I have also been struggling career-wise, kinda rethinking decisions I made years ago that I can't change now. I constantly wonder what if--what if I said yes to a different firm for my internship, what if I was never an accounting major, what if I attended a different school, what if I stayed in the Philippines? But that doesn't get me anywhere; I am still left figuring out where should I go now. I am not feeling fulfilled in my current state. My future doesn't excite me and that in itself scares the hell out of me.  moving states? staying where i am? I know I don't have to make this decision now but I can't avoid it too, always sweeping it under the rug for future me. I have been contemplating moving states after graduating or even completely leaving my field altogether (Culinary school would be a dream!) I don't know what it is. I wish I could do both. I wish I could do it all. I don't know what I need. I sure as hell don't know what I even want. I am scared to take a risk because what if I'm even more unhappy then? 

If this word vomit of a post hasn't already depicted, I absolutely hate making decisions. They paralyze me. But why is this so? What am I afraid of? I guess part of me doesn't want to make the 'wrong' decision as much as I know there is no wrong decision--each opportunity is a one where I can learn and grow and be a better me and all the other cliches of the sort. I also feel I don't want to deal with the consequences of my decisions and that's why I rely others/external factors to tell me which way to go. (I have even been known to resort to drawing straws, flipping coins and eeny-meeny-miny-moe-ing.) If I don't choose, when things go out of control I won't have to blame myself for the 'bad' choice as terrible as that sounds.

If there's anything I learned through recovery, it's how little I trust my own self--whether it be my body, my gut, my heart. I don't trust myself enough to choose. I don't trust myself to be okay and get through the aftermath of said choices. I don't trust the future. I don't trust that things will work themselves out for the best in the end. I don't trust myself to be vulnerable.

Through all of this, it amazes me that life continues to send you exactly what you need in that moment. While I was contemplating all of this, I happened to subsequently listen to these podcasts on design thinking & getting unstuck and on job crafting & getting more out of your work. A good reminder to myself that whatever happens, whatever I choose isn't permanent. That I have time to do whatever I set my mind to. That that will change. That there are multiple solutions not just a single 'perfect' one.


 I wish my mind could put to paper (...or should I say keyboard?) all my current feelings and thoughts. I don't know where I was going exactly with this post. Maybe I am looking to solicit advice (...again...) or maybe I hoped it would help me sort through my thoughts and mental barriers. Perhaps I just wanted to be able to share those podcasts for anyone else feeling the way I am currently. Whatever the case, there's another peek inside my scatterbrained brain.

Questions:
Are you a chronic over-thinker?
How do you handle decisions?
What is currently nagging at your mind? 

No intention of writing a post today but very much warranted. And hey, isn't that what this is for, an outlet for my frustrations and reflections, planned or not? So I thought this would actually be the perfect (no such thing as perfect) occasion to write my feelings out, and hey look it just happened to be Thinking-Out-Loud day.



Said simply: Yesterday was an awful day. It felt like life itself was against me. It started off terribly and got worse. Having space now, after resting and taking a step back from my emotions (How very DBT of me), and after letting basically all my tears out, I can see how wallowing in the circumstances did not benefit me. I can see that yesterday was not all bad. In fact, at the end of the day I was feeling sorta...good?

Hmm, so the 2 major things that got to me on this fun Hump Day:

1. My toilet clogged up. I went to pick out clothes for the day and next thing I know my bathroom floor was flooded. I tried calling maintenance and but both brought me to voicemail. After leaving a message for the on-call maintenance, I did what I could to clean it up and mentally took note that it was yet another thing to take care of later in my already long day. Simultaneously as I was trying to solve all of this, breakfast was heating up in the oven. And I had to leave for treatment in an hour. And I had planned to squeeze some homework in. I was getting all in my head and I knew it. I was future tripping.
   
   **As a side comment, on top of this, I was going to take the trash out and left it in the hall for a few minutes. I come out and find that my roommate's dog got into it. I swear I had a mini freakout that the dog ate something that would kill her.
2. I went to IOP and let out a lot of said frustrations with the group, and was feeling better. Then to exacerbate the situation I learned that the number of insurance-covered sessions at IOP was up because of my lack of physical progress (aka weight restoration). Though I feel as does my therapist there that I've made leaps and bounds in terms of emotional/social/mental progress in the past 2ish months, those aren't things insurance companies care about. They want the hard tangible measures. (Insurance is a messed up system but that's a whole different rant.) Because I had already planned to leave IOP in a couple of weeks as school will be starting up soon, I wasn't unnecessarily upset that I would be leaving. I guess it was more that I wasn't leaving on my own terms. It was out of my control and I did not like it. Also, it was hard not to be hard on myself for the whole no weight restoration thing. Cue further frustration. 

In these most aggravating moments of life, when I am feeling oh so overwhelmed, I have learned to try to cheer myself up in the simplest of ways. For example, dressing up in a colorful dress and swiping on a bright lipstick

Post tear-filled therapy session. Look closely and you can even see remnants of tissue on my eyes. How flattering.

OR semi-spontaneously (aka as spontaneous as I can get) going to Trader Joe's and buying random groceries. Strangely did not even feel guilty afterwards for spending on things I didn't necessarily need.

Satisfying snack + paired w/ roasted zaatar walnuts

Questions:
What are your current frustrations? 
How do you soothe yourself and give yourself space? 
One thing you did yesterday for YOU! 

Something that has been racking my brain recently is the blurry spectrum of self-care and how it relates to discipline. I have been planning this post for weeks now to join in thinking aloud. Problem is the intense struggle of actually getting my thoughts into words. Writer's block indeed. Rather than procrastinate for yet another week, I decided to let those thoughts and feelings flow, hopefully not too incoherently, and just write that SFD.


The world of self-care is very confusing. The real question that has been nagging at me that started this whole thing was: Is there such a thing as too much self-care? I feel I use self-care as a way to excuse myself from doing the "hard things," from doing things I don't necessarily want to do (homework, clean my room), and sometimes even things I do truly want to do (take more pictures, play the piano), the latter are things that could be considered self-care too.

With my busy schedule this summer, I find myself getting home at the end of the day exhausted in all aspects. I just want to curl in bed and watch mindless TV. Not that TV as self-care is a bad thing; it might be exactly what I need in that moment but not the self-care that I know I ultimately need or want to partake in. And maybe it's the "should" monster in me speaking but there has to be truth in this compulsion.

Also slightly on that note, since recovery, I feel my discipline declining. In the peak of my eating disorder, I was exercising 5-6 times a week. I would get up for a run or would force myself to go the gym. It was obviously not the healthiest thing (hello ED!) for me at the time nor do I want to go back to that mindset. But when I look back and reflect on that time, my drive was stellar. I amazingly somehow had energy to accomplish that, classes, a part-time job and not feel as drained as I do now. I don't remember finding myself scrolling through my Facebook feed every 10 minutes (seriously the number of times I visited Facebook when writing this most is unreal) or checking how many people viewed my Snaps or refreshing my email, waiting for an update somewhere, anywhere. I don't know what I am waiting for.

There were times I did not even take my phone with me to the gym. Although the exercise addiction and eating disorder took over my life, I miss the freedom of not being addicted to my phone. This is probably the biggest thing that is getting to me. What's even more frustrating is know that it isn't the healthiest thing for my mental space. It's too easy to get lost in the comparison spiral, the "ideal." Though sadly, I think part my brain wants to let it slide as "self-care," that I should basically allow myself to do it because I need to appease that slight anxiety of not checking it. Rather than have the control to step away from my phone, I give in to the urges and bring it out.

In the past 2 years, I may not necessarily have gotten lazier but I find I am missing that spark within me. I am missing a sense of motivation. A drive to get myself out of bed and not check Instagram first thing in the morning. A drive to choose to clear the clutter from my desk rather than watch a bajillion movie trailers on YouTube.

I take more Buzzfeed quizzes on a daily basis that tell me what kind of cake I am or how many kids I'll have than I would like admit. Is is wrong to call that self-care? Am I merely using it as avoidance, distraction, from the self-care that I truly need but can be more taxing? Is self-care something that does not have to be forced? If it's exhausting in the short-term but potentially fulfilling in the long run, is it still self-care? Can self-care make you unhappy, for example when journaling and sitting with uncomfortable feelings? Where is the discipline to stop me from opening Buzzfeed in the first place? Should self-care come with discipline? If yes, how do incorporate it without self-caret becoming a chore that we don't look forward to?

More than anything, I would love to hear your thoughts around self-care or discipline, particularly when it comes to social media and the internet and being glued to our phones. Thank you for allowing me to rattle on with little sense.

Thanks for joining me as I link up with Amanda and try to think out loud. I haven't done one of these in a quite some time (*cough* 4 months *cough*) but was suddenly inspired earlier this week.




With this 9-to-5 type job where I am essentially sitting at a desk and staring at a computer screen all day long, it is hard for me to really be mindful. Then when I get home the last thing I want to do is sit in my feelings and think. It is too exhausting. Even right at this moment, I am struggling to write. There have been so many swirling, fleeting thoughts in my mind but I haven't been able to capture them fast enough in word form. In any case, I am attempting to push through the writer's block, hence this post.

On the train ride home from work on Monday (yes, I sadly did not have a long weekend 😥), I listened to the 10% Happier Podcast Episode featuring Josh Radnor (that's where that ^^^ quote is from). Knowing what I know of his character on How I Met Your Mother, it was odd to hear "Ted Mosby" talk about his meditation practice, finding sustainable peace within and success not based on fame.

Listening to the podcast struck something in me because I have been feeling out of touch lately; everything seems to be passing me by, I am observing and absorbing life like I would like to. But on the train I was able to just sit there and stay mindful, present, grateful, curious. Despite there being people around me, for the first time in weeks, I felt at peace.
As I was doing my intern training, I came across another aspect of mindfulness that I feel will come in handy to stay present particularly as I continue to work. Part of the company's culture, which is seriously refreshing for an accounting firm, is this concept of a mood elevator, a tool to aid in checking in with yourself and gauge where you are in the moment.

Throughout the day, the point you're at on the elevator will vary, up and down we go; it's near impossible to be on the same floor constantly. At our most ground level, we are curious. The goal is not to stay out of the red zone but more to know when you are in the red zone and respond accordingly, inching up towards at least curiosity. It's at these higher "floors" where you are most productive and function at your best.

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What I love about this is that at the top is not happiness, is not joy, as you might expect. But rather, it's the feeling of gratitude. And this gratitude for me, I think, closely relates to the feeling of peace. If we can find appreciation and be thankful for the present moment, we can find peace. We can slow down even on a moving train.

P.S. I know this is all over the place today and nothing relates but that's essentially a sneak peak inside my brain! Til' next time y'all ✌️

Questions:
- Do you ever forget that celebrities aren't their characters? 😂
- What are ways you check-in with how you are feeling during the day especially at work/in class?
- How do you deal with writer's block or rather a surplus of thoughts and scarcity of words?  
- Where are you right now on the elevator? 

Hiiiiiiiiii. Unplanned, completely spontaneous post here. Linking up with Amanda for Thursday's Thinking Out Loud!

Trying this Thinking Out Loud thing again. Quite honestly, I've been having a lot of negative thoughts lately. My mind has gotten to me, trapping myself in downward spirals of self-unlove. Thought it would be a good idea to type stuff out & kinda declutter my mind. Ooomm.

• Currently eating some form of chocolate overnight oats with walnut butter, prepared sans recipe. The milk/oat proportions completely skewed. Note to self: Follow a recipe. 

• Sunday night I attended the TEDx event at my school. It was my first time to watch a TED talk in person. One of them was entitled "You are not what you eat." Food thoughts have been rampant lately so definitely good for me to be reminded that other factors shape one's, uhhh shape. I am more than the traditional nourishment that I consume; food cannot define us alone.
  
  

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• This also reminded me to check my food privilege.
• As much as I enjoyed the talks themselves, I felt so... unaccomplished? Here are these incredibly talented, multi-faced people doing amazing things, making a difference. Then there's me, who can barely make it through each day without doubting herself, whose room is a complete mess, who is not learning from her mistakes, who needs to fix ___, _____, _____--a never-ending list of problems that are aren't real problems at all.
• Been thinking more and more about getting a tattoo. Something teeny tiny and ridiculously simple. I'm leaning towards either the libra constellation or the libra symbol (see below). With my future being in the corporate world, however, I . Plus my pain tolerance is preeeeeetty low. What are the least painful places to get one that is both professional AND that I'll be able to see regularly? 

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• It feels so good to get my summer plans all sorted out ❤︎ Exciting stuff going down the next few months! My last final ends on the 30th--even before my university's official finals week begins! Though I'll be done relatively earlier, that means craziness for the next 23 days. Yikes. 
• But the future is terrifying me. I don't know what I want and I don't know what to do. I feel everything is coming toofast. Can we please s l o w  d  o  w  n? I hate disappointing people and I hate the fact that I'm letting my fear of said disappoint get to me. As much as I need be selfish with this decision, I can't let go of these expectations. I'm afraid of making the "wrong" choice, if there is such a thing. Despite what everyone is saying how this isn't permanent, it feels incredibly so. 
• On a lighter note, I've had to wear a suit almost every weekday for the past 3 weeks. Thank the lords these interviews are (finally) over!!! Shorts have never felt better PLUS the weather has been glorious. 

 Over the past months, I've enjoyed reading others' posts so I decided to partake in Thinking Out Loud today too. Thank you Amanda for these Thursdays! This may not be a super exciting, fun topic to ramble about but I've been thinking a lot lately about my struggles in recovery, or actually the lack thereof, and what it means. Honestly, I just want your thoughts/advice/words of wisdom/musings.

I've been feeling strangely good about my recovery. I have overcome many of my previous fear foods, allowed myself to nibble when I'm hungry though I know a bigger meal is next, managed to shush my inner comparison critic and eat for myself with others present. I haven't been struggling as much as I was, which may seem like a positive thing.

But I wonder if this a sign of recovery or a sign of backsliding? Am I not challenging myself enough? Am I unknowingly lying to myself? My counselor encouraged me to trust myself--trust that maybe I am recovering. I guess I'm scared of accepting that because I don't know what recovery feels like exactly. Because I don't know what it means to have a healthy relationship with food anymore. Because I don't know where to go next.

P.S. These past few days have been nonstop. I'm exhausted; hence the quick post. It's also almost my bed time (aka midnight) so I hope what I'm saying makes sense! But hey, I guess the mind doesn't make sense half the time, yeah?

Questions:
How do you cope with doubt? 
Any other thoughts?