This quote reflected my week. I am feeling good at the moment. Calm, thankful, present for once. There were definitely times though when I felt completely frustrated, overwhelmed, on the brink of tears. So I cried. I let myself cry. But I no longer am crying. The storm has passed by. This is a reminder for all (including myself) that thoughts are fleeting. Feelings are fleeting. There may be more storms to come but for now I am appreciating the weather as is whatever it may be.

Considering the amount of stress I felt this week, I definitely made time for me. In fact, there was a lot of things I did to take care of myself, which honestly is probably what I need to do most when I am freaking out. So I'm feeling accomplished already. Here's another Week in Review (Thanks Meghan!) for ya. Please forgive the randomness of this title. I guess that's pretty much how my moods have felt--random. Have a happy week, friends!

• Took not one but TWO selfies last week, something I rarely ever do. Why do we equate selfies with being vain? Sometimes, a good picture & a smile is just what you need to cheer up. That's not necessarily egotistic; it can be simply self-care.
• Made falafel & couscous tabouleh for our cooking club meeting one evening. As sad as it is that it was our last cooking event of the semester, I am glad the stress from that is over for now.

• Harvested a buttload of basil from the community garden. Time for all the pesto ever!
• Attended an Excel workshop and improved my VLOOKUP skills
• Finished reading my for fun book--Empire of Storms. This was a good, long read. (AND SARAH MAAS IS AMAZING)

• Went out on a date with my sister last Friday. Indian food & Avenue Q made for a much-needed relaxed evening. I tried something new & ordered this veggie bread mash thing called kothu parotta. 
• Also, she, her boyfriend & I won taboo against my parents & aunt! Millennials FTW. 

• Made persimmon jam out of hachiya persimmons. FYI, these taste disgusting plain... Fuyu all the way! 
• Subsequently cut myself while chopping the frozen fruit.... twice.... Sad looking, I know, but at least I was able to make do with what I had (i.e. cotton & tape)
• Left my weekend's to-do list unfinished, which isn't something most people are proud of, but it's something I need to learn to be okay with, without feeling like I've somehow failed.  

I don't know how to begin this post without rambling so I'll ramble on. I've been feeling down lately. And by down, I mean veryveryvery down. Earlier this afternoon, I literally sat in my car for 20 minutes doing nothing. What's more is that I didn't feel motivated to do anything. Nothing. No desire to read, watch TV, eat, talk, move.

I understand we all can feel "blah" sometimes, need a good cry, may feel lonely, etc. That's just part of being human. But the past two weeks I've been feeling more apathetic and more passive than I had prior. I've also been feeling like I lack support, particularly anyone on campus that I see on a day-to-day basis. I don't think the "friends" I do have now are the best for my mental and physical health. They're not what I need for my recovery. Yet, since I don't have anyone else, I would rather them than no one to turn to.

At my session with my counselor this week, she had me read the symptoms of depression according to the DSM (aka the Bible for a psych people). Some related to how I was feeling (or more that I wasn't?). I guess this is me opening up to the fact that I am slightly depressed. I don't know why I've hesitated to say this; I don't believe it is out of denial or shame. Maybe because of all the assumptions around what having "depression" entails if I did. The stigma, perhaps.

I don't know why I'm saying this. I don't know what I want to hear. I don't know what I need. I don't know what will make me happy. I don't know anymore.

Source

Bleeeeeech. That's how my weekend felt. I am feeling overwhelmed and stressed out. And I know when I am stressed, I start to overthink E V E R Y T H I N G. Not good because when I overthink, I control. What's worse is my overthinking leads to me being less productive, me questioning why can't I just be productive, me questioning the questioning and the stress cycle continues. I've been so wrapped up in my racing thoughts and very future-focused. I need to slow down. I need to give presence to the present. I need to breathe. My motivation has been nonexistent, which doesn't exactly help either.

As per usual, when my brain is beating down on me for being a failure, it's Week in Review time:

• Did an artsy, mosaic thing for our Halloween at work. My aim was to use as few artistic skills as possible. But it's awesome when your workday is basically crafting for a couple of hours 👌👌👌

• Got my tattoo over a week ago so not part of this week's WIR exactly but I've been taking care of it so that's gotta count as an accomplishment! 
• Celebrated 2 National Food Days last week: keeping it simple with figs & dark chocolate for Chocolate Day (10/28) and turmeric oatmeal for Oatmeal Day (10/29). I completely get the food blogger world's whole obsession now. This bowl was magical 😍  Plus, look at the poms! 

• Baked a sheet of spelt foccacia from Food and Wine. Seriously, nothing nothing compares to warm, fresh bread. Can't wait for more baking adventures as the weather cools. 

• Went on a quick coffee date with someone from Tinder (hey, no judging!!!). Enjoyed talking to him though not so much the drink. I never learn not to order coffee so late in the afternoon because it really messes with me.  
• Roasted the rainbow -- yellow zucchini, brussels, kobocha squash & chickpeas. If I cook like it's fall, maybe we will magically fast-forward to Thanksgiving break!!

• Watched not 1, not 2 but 3 movies in the span of 7 days. That seriously must be a record for me. 
• The usual chore culprits: laundry folding, dish washing, nail polish removing, changing my sheets, etcetera, etcetera. 
• Did some morning yoga last Saturday and progressed on my crow pose. Woop, woop! 
• After exercising (^^^) in the sunshine with my mama, I exercised my right to vote for the first time (see what I did there heheh). Don't wanna instigate a whole political debate but no matter who you're rooting for GO VOTE!!!  

Featuring my toothbrush and hoard of Central Market bags