And by week I mean the two past months... I've been putting this post off for some time now because there are just SO MANY wonderful links to share that I can't read or write fast enough!

But first, I wanted to share a few things.

1. I joined the recently-founded Spoon University chapter for my school as a photographer! Excited to get to continue to practice my food photography skills and get to know other foodies. Also check out our Instagram!

2. Recovery-wise, as I've mentioned in previous posts, I have felt a little stagnant. Not like I am moving backwards but definitely less engaged, less challenged. So, I have decided to start an IOP (intensive outpatient) program at a nearby eating disorder center over the holiday break. Surprisingly, I am not feeling all too anxious about it. It feels...right? Will keep you updated!

Time for all the good links. Because I have a lot to share (plus honestly out of my own laziness), rather than explain as I usually do, I'll keep it short and just add a little blip! Read on, friends, read on.

This quote reflected my week. I am feeling good at the moment. Calm, thankful, present for once. There were definitely times though when I felt completely frustrated, overwhelmed, on the brink of tears. So I cried. I let myself cry. But I no longer am crying. The storm has passed by. This is a reminder for all (including myself) that thoughts are fleeting. Feelings are fleeting. There may be more storms to come but for now I am appreciating the weather as is whatever it may be.

Considering the amount of stress I felt this week, I definitely made time for me. In fact, there was a lot of things I did to take care of myself, which honestly is probably what I need to do most when I am freaking out. So I'm feeling accomplished already. Here's another Week in Review (Thanks Meghan!) for ya. Please forgive the randomness of this title. I guess that's pretty much how my moods have felt--random. Have a happy week, friends!

• Took not one but TWO selfies last week, something I rarely ever do. Why do we equate selfies with being vain? Sometimes, a good picture & a smile is just what you need to cheer up. That's not necessarily egotistic; it can be simply self-care.
• Made falafel & couscous tabouleh for our cooking club meeting one evening. As sad as it is that it was our last cooking event of the semester, I am glad the stress from that is over for now.

• Harvested a buttload of basil from the community garden. Time for all the pesto ever!
• Attended an Excel workshop and improved my VLOOKUP skills
• Finished reading my for fun book--Empire of Storms. This was a good, long read. (AND SARAH MAAS IS AMAZING)

• Went out on a date with my sister last Friday. Indian food & Avenue Q made for a much-needed relaxed evening. I tried something new & ordered this veggie bread mash thing called kothu parotta. 
• Also, she, her boyfriend & I won taboo against my parents & aunt! Millennials FTW. 

• Made persimmon jam out of hachiya persimmons. FYI, these taste disgusting plain... Fuyu all the way! 
• Subsequently cut myself while chopping the frozen fruit.... twice.... Sad looking, I know, but at least I was able to make do with what I had (i.e. cotton & tape)
• Left my weekend's to-do list unfinished, which isn't something most people are proud of, but it's something I need to learn to be okay with, without feeling like I've somehow failed.  

I don't know how to begin this post without rambling so I'll ramble on. I've been feeling down lately. And by down, I mean veryveryvery down. Earlier this afternoon, I literally sat in my car for 20 minutes doing nothing. What's more is that I didn't feel motivated to do anything. Nothing. No desire to read, watch TV, eat, talk, move.

I understand we all can feel "blah" sometimes, need a good cry, may feel lonely, etc. That's just part of being human. But the past two weeks I've been feeling more apathetic and more passive than I had prior. I've also been feeling like I lack support, particularly anyone on campus that I see on a day-to-day basis. I don't think the "friends" I do have now are the best for my mental and physical health. They're not what I need for my recovery. Yet, since I don't have anyone else, I would rather them than no one to turn to.

At my session with my counselor this week, she had me read the symptoms of depression according to the DSM (aka the Bible for a psych people). Some related to how I was feeling (or more that I wasn't?). I guess this is me opening up to the fact that I am slightly depressed. I don't know why I've hesitated to say this; I don't believe it is out of denial or shame. Maybe because of all the assumptions around what having "depression" entails if I did. The stigma, perhaps.

I don't know why I'm saying this. I don't know what I want to hear. I don't know what I need. I don't know what will make me happy. I don't know anymore.